Why every disagreement doesn’t have to become a conflict
Disagreement is a natural part of life. We have different experiences, different temperaments and different ways of seeing things. So it is not surprising that we do not always agree with one another. The question is not whether disagreements will arise, but whether we allow them to disturb our peace and turn into conflict. Sometimes people come to me with very good ideas. I may tell them, “Your idea is brilliant, but it may not be practical.” Even when there is a genuine difference of opinion, it can be handled with some tact. The first step is to listen and, where possible, to agree. Once a person feels heard, they are more willing to listen to what you have to say. Then you can present your view with calmness and confidence.
When you recognise your own magnanimity and inner beauty, it becomes much easier to accommodate differences. But when you are constantly looking at another person’s behaviour and thinking, “Why are they like this?”, the mind becomes disturbed. And when you try to correct someone from a disturbed mind, very rarely does anything improve. People are not angry all the time. Even someone who is difficult at one moment may be pleasant at another. Why not choose the right moment to communicate? If someone is in a very bad mood, perhaps you can simply ask, “What can I do for you?” Or you can leave the place and come back later. There is no need to win every argument. With a little love and skilful communication, you can influence a person far more than by confrontation.
I remember a woman once who came to me deeply distressed. She told me that her mother-in-law was creating difficulties in her marriage. It was her second marriage, and she was frightened that it might meet the same fate as her first, which had also broken down because of conflict with her mother-in-law. I told her, “Sometimes, just agree. If she says black is white, you say, ‘Yes, it is.’ Why argue?” It may sound strange, but there are situations where arguing serves no purpose. You have to know when to insist and when to simply walk with someone for a while. Not every difference needs to be resolved. Sometimes you can accommodate another person without losing yourselfI recall another occasion when someone invited me to a conference with the intention of arguing with me publicly. He wanted to provoke me.
He said that what I had written in a particular book was completely wrong. It was clear that he wanted an argument to escalate, perhaps even to create tension between communities. So I simply said, “Yes, you are absolutely right.” There was nothing left to fight about When you understand what another person is trying to do, you don’t have to participate in it. Sometimes the most powerful response to provocation is refusing to be provoked.
People who irritate you can, in fact, bring out skills in you that you may not otherwise discover. When everyone around you is pleasant and accommodating, you don’t need much skill to handle situations. It is when you meet someone unreasonable that your patience, communication, humour and wisdom are put to the test. So, if possible, take difficult people along as an exercise. It may not always be easy, but at least you save your mind.
Life is full of contrasts. Haven’t you experienced people you considered good friends, whom you thought understood you well, misunderstanding you? People’s understandings and misunderstandings are never permanent. Life is baffling. You often see people you have done so much for turn against you. Such circumstances become unbearable for you. This is because you expect everyone to behave as though they are enlightened, which isn’t possible. You cannot expect everyone to be as accepting and accommodating as you are, or as your Guru is. They don’t come from an unconditionally loving and giving space. It is impossible. Some time or other, you have to face unreasonable reactions from your near and dear ones. You should face it, and that’s it. Have faith that bitterness will be transformed into love again when realisation dawns upon them. People don’t even know what they want. So they behave in a certain way. They say things which they don’t even mean. Why don’t you give them a little space?
When someone reacts unreasonably, you don’t have to take it as a final verdict on the relationship. Allow them to just be. They will grow; they will understand. With greater awareness, bitterness can transform into affection again.
And at all costs, save your mind. Don’t keep going over the same questions- “What happened to this person? Why did they misunderstand me? How could they say this after everything I have done?”
The mind can spend hours conducting a postmortem of something that has already happened. But what does it achieve? If someone has misunderstood you, educate them and move on.
In contrast, people with whom you had a tiff in the past could support your views in the future! All kinds of possibilities may arise. So don’t be bothered about it. When you find somebody has misunderstood, educate them and move on. ‘Educate’ and ‘move on’; these are the 3 words you must remember. Just ignoring them isn’t good. It is arrogance. Have the attitude, ‘I am just trying to educate them.’ Don’t invest too much time and effort to make them understand because then you stress yourself and ultimately get no positive outcome.
One of the biggest mistakes we make after a disagreement is refusing to move on. We explain, complain and revisit the same conversation until a small difference becomes a lasting conflict.
“Why did you say that?”
“That is not what I meant.”
“But you understood me wrongly.”
And so it goes on. This is a complete waste of time. Don’t dwell in this emotional garbage. Let infinite enthusiasm replace explanations and complaints. If someone has lost their enthusiasm, help them find it again. Don’t keep complaining about their lack of it.
This is particularly important in families. When there is a disagreement between people who have to live together, there is often a temptation to keep explaining and complaining until everyone is exhausted. Explain what is necessary, but don’t make an event out of it. A relationship is much larger than one disagreement. At the same time, wisdom does not mean agreeing with everything. There are things we should be firm about. If a habit is harmful, if it prevents growth or damages one’s well-being, then it may be necessary to say no and leave it behind. But if something is harmless and simply brings comfort to another person, why insist that everything must be done our way?
You cannot always live life entirely on your own terms. Sometimes you have to respect another person’s wishes as well. Balance is essential. This is especially true in relationships. My advice to couples who disagree is, don’t keep focusing on each other and on who is right or wrong. Focus on a common goal. Keep the differences aside and see what you can accomplish together.
There is another interesting aspect of the mind. When you agree with someone, you often forget the matter very quickly. But when you disagree, the mind keeps returning to it. You may remember the argument for days, sometimes even years. Have you noticed this? The disagreement somehow keeps you connected to the person. The mind holds on to what it resisted.
So let us reverse that tendency. Don’t give a disagreement so much importance that it occupies your mind long after the conversation is over. Don’t hold on to resentment. Don’t keep replaying the incident. There will always be differences. There will always be people who misunderstand us and situations that don’t go according to our expectations. But every disagreement does not have to become a conflict, and every conflict does not have to become a wound.
