The peculiar connection between Love and Discipline

There is no need for a rule or law when there is love. Lovers don’t abide by rules. Rules are a matter of the head

“Discipline isn’t torturing oneself for nothing. There is no discipline. The purpose of discipline is to attain joy. Do you see the difference?”                                      — Gurudev

Love and discipline are so opposite in nature. You may have noticed that you don’t have to discipline yourself to do something which you love. Where there is interest, there is no need for discipline. There is no need for a rule or law when there is love. Lovers don’t abide by rules. Rules are a matter of the head.

But at the same time, you cannot discard discipline. You cannot discard the law. Don’t think just conflicts create chaos. Love also creates confusion and chaos. Even to maintain love, you need certain discipline. People who are in love, they don’t care when they eat, when they sleep, or what they do. In a state of ecstatic love, nothing interests you. But discipline is required where it doesn’t interest you.

Discipline and balance are needed in your professional life as well. Sometimes you love doing something, and in pursuit of it, you don’t eat properly or sleep properly for a very long time. The body has only a certain amount of elasticity. After that, you are bound to collapse.

There is a saying in Sanskrit, ‘Aati Sarvatra varjayet’. It is important to do everything in moderation. For example, whether it is in love or communication, one has to exercise moderation. When you love somebody, you overwhelm them, you suffocate them, you talk too much so that they won’t run away from you. Instead, have some discipline and exercise some restraint. That is the way to preserve love. Otherwise, even love turns sour.  Six months or a year into it, why do many love marriages end up in separation? It is not those where the love was lukewarm, but even those where it was intense. The latter got into trouble because they expressed everything too much. They didn’t observe certain disciplines. They didn’t get centred back into themselves, and the focus always remained on the other.

 Even in worldly matters, or day-to-day activities like eating food, exercising, walking, etc, follow certain rules, certain discipline. You may not like it, but still do it, for that will uphold you in the long run. Rules and discipline are there to be broken sometimes. For example, in case of emergencies, police, firefighters, and drivers of ambulance vans can violate traffic rules. However, they exercise this freedom only when it is needed. But the provision to break rules should also exist for the sake of the larger good. Here, you must apply your discretion.

Does discipline kill freedom or enhance it?

At first glance, discipline seems to stifle freedom. However, it actually gives you more freedom. For example, it is so difficult for a child to brush their teeth every day if their moms don’t insist. And this discipline frees them from teeth-related problems. See the other side of the discipline. It brings you freedom in the long run-freedom from tooth pain.

And only freedom can elevate you to Divine Love. Sage Narada says in his ‘Bhakti Sutras’, “Divine love (bhakti) isn’t merely emotional, but requires disciplined focus and commitment to be sustained.” Any practice, when it is done over a period of time without any gap, steadily, and with a sense of honor, only then does it firmly establish itself. ‘Shasna’ means rules that somebody else, the society or authority, imposes on you. ‘Anushasana’ means the rules that you impose on yourself. Yoga is called a discipline that you impose on yourself.

When does the need for discipline arise? When you are thirsty and you want to drink water, you don’t say, ‘Oh this is a rule.’ You must drink water. When you are hungry, you eat. You don’t say, ‘I have the discipline of eating when I am hungry.’ Or, when you enjoy a scenery, you don’t say, ‘Oh, I have a discipline of enjoying nature.’ When it comes to the question of enjoyment, no discipline is necessary. When does discipline come into play? Not somewhere where it is enjoyable at the very first step. A child never says, ‘I have a discipline of running to my mother when I see her.’

Discipline is needed where something isn’t very charming in the initial stage. When you know that something will bear fruit, which is very tasty, but sowing the seed to begin with isn’t that enjoyable. When you are abiding in yourself, and you are in joy, or when you are in peace, in happiness, then you are already in your Self. There is no need for discipline there, but when that isn’t so, the mind is wagging its tail all the time, then discipline is essential so that you can calm the mind down, it could come back to itself. Something whose fruit will be eventually blissful and joyful.

For example, a diabetes patient says, ‘I have a discipline of cutting down on sugar.’ Or someone with high cholesterol says, ‘I have discipline of not having too much fat in my food,’ because food loaded with carbohydrates is very tasty, but it can cause complications later on. After a certain discipline, having fruits that aren’t so pleasurable in the beginning offer long-term pleasure. This is known as ‘sattvik’ pleasure. It is a long-lasting pleasure. That pleasure, which is pleasurable to begin with, but ends in misery, is no pleasure at all. Hence, discipline is necessary to experience sattvik pleasure.

Discipline isn’t torturing oneself for nothing. There is no discipline. The purpose of discipline is to attain joy. Do you see the difference? At certain times, people impose discipline on themselves that doesn’t offer them any joy in the beginning, nor in the end. That is known as ‘tamsik’ pleasure. When it isn’t so pleasurable to begin with but always leads to joy, it is satvik pleasure. Rajsik pleasure begins with pleasure but ends up in misery and suffering. Tamsik pleasure appears to be pleasant but it is misery from the beginning to the end.

Follow a certain discipline. You don’t have to be extremely rigid about it because you are also beyond discipline. Love takes you beyond the rules. But it is good to have certain rules until we reach there.

Discipline is needed where something isn’t very charming in the initial stage. When you know that something will bear fruit, which is very tasty, but sowing the seed to begin with isn’t that enjoyable. When you are abiding in yourself, and you are in joy, or when you are in peace, in happiness, then you are already in your Self