By understanding our desires and analysing our actions, we can find ways to heal ourselves
Nobody can hurt me without my permission, said Mahatma Gandhi, however, the truth is that most of us hurt each other in our relationships and we do it because we just want to do it. There is no larger reason for it, but it's something that just happens. According to psychologists, most people hurt someone because they want something they think they can’t have, or have something they don’t want. If we closely observe ourselves, then we would find that most of us are in one of the above two conditions, and we don’t know what to do about it, hence we think that the only method of getting what we want is to hurt someone. So, is this the only way out? Is it the right method to follow? We all know it's wrong because it creates a lot of pain on both sides, so why do we do it?
Simply because we don't understand how to have that thing that we badly want or get rid of that thing that we do not need without hurting.There may be numerous reasons for us to hurt people, however the most common of them is ‘unfulfilled expectations’ which we all experience in our various relationships. Take for example, we just met someone and have fallen in love with him/her. Now before there is any kind of exchange of feelings, we just start dreaming about things that are totally out of context.
After a lot of pursuing, chasing and pushing, when we finally fail to get the desired reply from the other end, we start feeling miserable and then start blaming the person by saying things like ‘You hurt me’, ‘You broke my heart’ etc. We should sit aside in a quiet corner and ask ourselves whether our expectations right from the beginning were realistic. Did the opposite person give us any inclination to believe so that he/she also feels the same as we are feeling? Were feelings of love mutual on both sides? When it was time to understand what he/she was saying, we were building love castles in the air, when it was time to give some space to the opposite person, we were suffocating the person with our forced love & affection. Is this the right kind of behaviour?
Remember! Any kind of one-sided relationship is extremely painful and maleficent because it makes you feel like a spare part in someone else’s life as if you aren't as important to them as they are to you. Hence to prevent oneself from such pain and agony, it is best to have clear communication with the person whom you have feelings for. It doesn't matter what kind of a relationship you are in, but you have got to communicate your feelings because when we open the door of a dialogue, we open our hearts.
So always express yourself because carrying the burden of unspoken words can take a toll on you. It's 100 times better to say what you genuinely feel rather than repeating ‘I love you’ 100 times. However, it’s so unfortunate that most of us prefer to bleed from within and stick to our ‘no expressing’ stubbornness. A wise person would thus always think about these reasons when being hurt rather than wasting time on ‘Why me?’
So c’mon don’t give up so easily because life is too short for such mundane things, just forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you. Learn your lessons and move on.
(The writer is a spiritual educator and popular columnist; views are personal)