Dowry system started as a noble gesture but has degenerated into something reprehensible which can’t be encouraged, says AJIT KUMAR BISHNOI

The word dowry is defined as money and/or property that, in some societies, a father gives to his daughter when she gets married. This word has a very bad name today due to many atrocities being committed on married women by their in-laws. It was not like that in the Vedic age. This is how it worked then. Imagine a father had a son and a daughter. The son stayed with the father permanently and the daughter went to live with her husband’s family. Therefore, the father felt obliged to give her share in his property when she married. The idea behind doing this was not only to be fair to his daughter but also to help her get started well in her completely new surroundings. This the parents did with a lot of love, and there was no compulsion from any quarters to give this or that.

I feel this was a very fair arrangement. I have just one daughter. Who do you think would inherit what I own and will leave behindIJ Suppose I had two daughters, wouldn’t I want to give them half of my properties each beginning with some at the time of their marriages. I see nothing wrong in this. Rather, I think it is fair and totally logical.

The obvious question then arises: Why is the dowry system considered so abhorrent these daysIJ The following flaws have crept into the system. In majority of cases where this system is misused is when what the bride’s father will give is not decided by him but is demanded by the groom’s side. In a way, the boy’s side puts a price on the boy in a similar way like an auction is done.

Obviously, boys, who have either done well for themselves academically or professionally or come from well off families, which in theory ensures a comfortable future for the girl, command a good price. I fail to see the logic in this. If the boy is nicely placed or the family is blessed with sufficient wealth, where is the sense of demanding anything from her sideIJ Anyway, this is what is happening in most cases. The girl’s side is also to blame for this. Why overreachIJ Why not be satisfied with a prospect which is compatible both academically and financially with the girlIJ But the girl’s parents aim to give their daughter a better deal than what she would get normally. In short, marriage becomes a market place where supply and demand determine the price.

This is not all. Once the wedding has been performed purely or mainly on monetary considerations, greed, which is the cause of it, must raise its ugly head after marriage also. And that is when further demands are raised and friction between the two families begins. This, if not controlled, takes very sinister forms, in which the newly married girl is even tortured in order to force her parents to cough up more money or property.

Fortunately, the last part is not very common. But the whole idea of extracting or exploiting in the name of marriage is simply disgusting. How can we tackle this social maladyIJ This is what I did when my daughter was to be married. I sent feelers to my friends and trustworthy relatives to look for a suitable boy. Unfortunately, these days even friends and good relatives are not prepared to stick their necks out by suggesting someone due to the fear of something going wrong later and them being blamed for it. We began to try other avenues and time dragged on, but one thing the three of us, ie my wife, daughter and I were determined about was not to consider anyone who even remotely appeared greedy. We were mentally prepared for no marriage rather than a bad marriage. We had this option because my daughter is well educated and could live an independent life.

So the conclusion is: The dowry system, which started as a noble gesture, has now degenerated into something reprehensible, which cannot be encouraged, not at the cost of one’s daughter’s future. One can understand the need of the boy’s side to a certain extent if the girl’s side is in a position to help but the greed is totally unacceptable. let us remember that, and not send our daughters to the wolves; they are better off with us. And for that we must ensure quality education for them.

Bishnoi is a spiritual writer and can be reached at spiritual@ajitbishnoi.com