Fed up of dealing with a hyperactive partnerIJ Samir Parikh shares some valuable tips on how to diffuse tension and revive lost bonds
There may be times in a relationship when you feel like you’re walking on egg-shells; a misstep here or there and the situation goes out of hand. It can be a very anxiety provoking environment when you just don’t know what it is that you might do or not do that could send your partner into a fit of rage. In such a situation, giving in to your own aggressive and retaliatory impulses might be tempting, but it’s probably not the best approach to take.
Often, snapping at a loved one is not the problem, but a symptom of a deeper lying problem. If your partner is expressing such irritability, it would be a good idea to explore the different stressors that might have been playing on his mind and share your concern for him at a calmer time. Also keep in mind that labelling him as an irritable person and therefore merely ignoring what he says can also be counter-productive. Try to understand their perspective; it’s possible that you’re just not taking what he’s saying seriously enough. There may be some things that have pent up and are really bothering him and may merit your attention, beyond merely a difficult day at work.
At the end of the day, each one of us is different — we react differently to situations because of our previous experiences, the way we’ve been brought up, what we see around us, the responsibilities and pressure we face and the frame of mind we’re in. We also have to remember that we all have our unique share of flaws and our unique triggers. It’s not possible to have a tailor-made, picture perfect partner. Therefore, to some extent, one does need to accept and adapt to the flaws and idiosyncrasies of one’s partner; identify the triggers that make them angry and try to avoid them to whatever extent possible. From your own end, rather than focusing on and aggravating environments, focus your attention on improving the environment at home and find spaces to create happier moments within the relationship.
At the same time, while ignoring such kind of aggressive behaviour on a one off occasion might be ok, but don’t let it turn into a pattern. If his behaviour towards you is bothering you, talk to your partner about how you feel and what you go through. Your own sense of security and your own comfort level are as important as his, and under no circumstances must you compromise on your own sense of personal space and boundary.
Easier said than done, but if your partner’s irritability is a routine, try not to let it affect your own mood, since that is only going to turn the anger into an endless vicious circle where you’ll both end up feeding off each other’s unhappiness. Find opportunities to lighten your own mood, and continue to do things that you used to enjoy doing. It would also be a good idea for you to talk to someone, be it a close friend or a family member, about what you’re going through. On one level, doing so will give you an opportunity to vent out your own feelings that may be piling up; but beyond that, it will help dissipate the feelings of alienation and loneliness that may have crept up due to difficulties in your marital relationship. Talking to a third person can also sometimes be helpful in dealing with the situation at hand since it gives you a sounding board — an opportunity to look at the situation from an objective and unbiased point of view that might help you clear your own doubts and confusions.
If such patterns of irritability and anger continue in the relationship, it might not be a bad idea to look at external help — perhaps you can consider marital counselling to iron out the difficulties in your communication, help understand each other better and eventually move towards greater contentment and happiness in the relationship.
(The writer is director of Mental Health & Behavioural Science, Fortis Hospital)