Aggression and violence among children are major issues faced by parents today. Divya Kaushik spoke to a few experts who presented a couple of tips on modifying a child’s behaviour
The mother of four-year-old Ahana shared that though her daughter is an obedient, well-behaved child, Ahana refuses to share.
“It is embarrassing. I organise parties, take her to play with other kids. I try to scare her by saying a monster will eat her if she does not share. Nothing helps,” Dr Ann Simi John, a clinical and child psychologist advised, “Threats and scaring children is not the right approach.” She suggested, “Make the child understand sharing, and tell her strictly to do it. Next time she plays with her toys, ask her to share. If she doesn’t, voluntarily, take her toy and share it with other children. She might howl. But that is because it is the easy way to make parents give in. So ignore her.”
Another expert, Nitin Pandey suggested that taking children to orphanages, serving guests before them, taking them while distributing gifts, will change a child’s perception, because “parents are role models. Kids follow what they see.”
Several parents presented problems at an hour-long workshop during the World Children Expo at Ambience Mall in Gurgaon. Experts on the panel were from Parentune, whose CEO Nitin Pandey said, “Aggression among children is common. Reasons differ from child to child. In some cases it is frustration — when things don’t happen as per a child’s wish. Say, they feel mom is not paying attention. Parents should notice what’s happening to them.”
He added, “Show how will they feel if someone pushes them from behind. Every child understands pain, thirst and hunger. Make them empathise.”
“Aggression is verbal or physical behaviour intending to harm. It is often used as a means to survive or fulfill a drive. In child psychology, aggressive behaviour is classified under externalising syndromes, which include problems like hyperactivity, oppositional behaviour and serious rule violations which can bring a child or adolescent in contact with the juvenile judicial system. All children display aggressive behaviour to some degree in their development,” explained Simi.
Other reason why children turn violent could be lack of parent-time. Tanuja Sodhi, a nutrition and wellness expert belongs to a navy background. When her son was growing up, she had to leave him at home for long hours. So the bond was missing. “I made it a point to come home specially to be with him,” she said. Impatience among parents also affects a child’s behaviour. We’ve heard kids being urged, “Say it fast.” Experts feel this prevents some children from speaking to parents. They take adults as an example; when they abuse, pick fights etc, and feel it is the right thing to do.
“No one is born aggressive. There is nature and nurture. Surroundings, not genes influence a child as it grows up. With lifestyle changes, we grow impatient and this also affects children,” shared Nitin.
“The trick is to be firm and consistent. Work on a time-out formula. Communicate clearly. Parents should remember you cannot just be friends or overauthoritative. If you want them to stop something, tell them the consequences. And note what happens. Stick to rules and they will behave. Children are sensitive about self-esteem, so take care,” ended Dr Simi.
lessons in parenting
Apart from behaviour, health is of concern for parents. Children are obese, addicted to junk food and teen girls, in particular go on diets for wrong reasons. Tanuja Sodhi says healthy practices should be inculcated early.