In Urban India, young couples of this generation are quite surprised about the emotional independence of their parents, whom we name as senior citizens, and find that they are more dependent on their parents rather than vice versa.
Probably 10 to 15 years back when the sons and daughters needed support during childbirth or raising small kids abroad, the parents were more than eager to comply with and stayed for long periods to assist their children. The scene is just the opposite now.
Going abroad is no more a novelty for senior citizens, and they are not willing to replace nannies abroad and give up their routine life in India where they have friends and support system for emergencies.
Most of them know that they are not covered by medical insurance abroad and are at risk if anything happens. Over a period they have built a support system in their own localities as also medical facilities.
One lady belonging to a middleclass background said that at this age she employed two maids to help her with the work and was not willing to go and wash dishes or do babysitting in the daughter’s or son’s house. Nor was she willing to accommodate her daughter or daughter-in-law in her kitchen if they wished to come and stay with her permanently.
This was her viewpoint, and until the couple got bedridden or sick when such an occasion may arise. Even then, they would prefer to be looked after by nurses or other support staff for which they have saved money.
She said that it was always preferable to be looked after by outsiders like maids, nurses, etc, than own children as there was no connect with outsiders. Of course, the children may supervise and come and stay with them or vice versa, but that would be the last resort.
They are mentally preparing to avoid that stage as much as possible. We are at the crossroads of a modern civilisation where we don’t have social security from the government, and it becomes shameful to stay in an old age home and yet even more difficult to stay with children and lose our independence.
This article attempts to find out the driving forces behind such independence and refers to the middleclass syndrome. The article will help both generations understand each other better and also help the senior citizens empower themselves.
New life everyday: As one nears the longevity bar, it’s only natural for people to focus on each day and celebrate that day as a bonus or as if it’s the last day. The effort will also go towards empowering oneself so that one lives longer. The senior citizens automatically become self-centred and follow the principle of ‘I, me and myself’ as they realise that their life is the most precious element.
It is not that they don’t understand the needs of their children, but they are bound to put their own needs ahead of others’ and avoid stress if they have to live longer. Sometimes, the next generation may feel this as selfishness, but this becomes a precursor to
their longevity.
Celebration plus discipline: One finds an interesting combination of celebration and discipline governing the lives of senior citizens. Women who have been in sarees all their lives can be found in tracks and in the gyms or yoga centres with their peer groups. People, who have never had time for them while bringing up children, find a new independence mantra and happiness about discovering themselves.
They are into the latest health fads, diet food, food supplements, right sleeping cycle and spiritual pursuits while also attending the clubs like Rotary and lions, where they can achieve their need for socialisation and self-actualisation by contributing to themselves and the society.
living in nuclear setups they don’t want to feel idle and count on each effort to increase longevity. The children’s needs become secondary as they feel that they have done their duty towards them and now need to focus on themselves.
Avoiding humiliation: If you just ask any senior citizen about what he or she wants, the reply will be that they should die when they are still functional or able to walk. No one wants to be bedridden and be at the mercy of others. All the efforts at maintaining good health are towards achieving this end.
Solitude and togetherness: In spite of living away from children, the senior citizens don’t feel lonely due to support group and technical advancement. With the help of phones, skype, etc, they are constantly in touch with the next generation. They become more interested in the grandchildren and can enjoy their company through these modern methods.
They also prefer to visit them and have fun with them without taking up long-term responsibilities or babysitting.
Financial independence: Sometimes, the next generation is surprised that the parents don’t want to transfer assets in their names before death and feel that they have become greedy. This is due to the realisation that money has its own power.
The senior citizens know that they will have to maintain independent finances for the future, especially for health problems. They would prefer to be financially independent till they are alive.
There could be many other causes for conflict, but the ones given above are comprehensive in nature and should be used as guidelines if both generations are to be happy and content.
(sikta_pati@rediffmail.com)