There are many enmeshed interactions between marriage and mental illness. Many people with mental illness are cared for by their spouses; and the spouses do a wonderful service in this regard. Caring is a stressful job; and if one’s spouse is mentally ill. sometimes it may have a double whammy as the caregiving person may not get the usual spousal support to run the household. While taking care is one thing, becoming the therapist of one’s spouse is not recommended even if you are a mental health professional.
Sometimes, it is the spouse who contributes to or becomes the reason for the stress; and it is well-known that stress is linked to mental illness. It is very important to see that one is helping to decrease stress than increase it in a relationship. Spouses who think they can change the other are often mistaken and hardly succeed. The relationship is a dynamic one and people do change in marriage, learning ways to cope the difficulties in a marriage, rather than changing their personality. Many suffer in silence, accepting it as incorrigible, ‘fate’, and may sometime feel ‘guilty’ to do anything about it because of societal issues about ‘what people will say’. However, it may be useful to know that support is and should be available to families caring for someone with mental illness.
Sometimes, people get their sons and daughters married without disclosing their mental illness aspects to the prospective bride or groom. This may lead to negative consequences -- distress of the newlyweds, relationship problem, mistrust for the in-laws, abuse of the mentally ill, inadequate or no treatment of the ill, separation, divorce and, sometimes, more grotesque outcomes. Marriage laws do have clauses in the context of mental illness of the spouses and may give respite to aggrieved parties. However, societies should have ways and means of supporting mentally ill persons who do not have or cease to have any support from their families.
The reasons people do not disclose are multiple; first and foremost is stigma. Unfortunately, mental illnesses continue to have too much stigma in the society and are surrounded by myths. Irrespective of their nature, all are seen as untreatable, ‘once ill is always ill’, etc. On the other hand, some people believe in a myth that ‘marriage may cure mental illnesses’. Well, marriage is not a treatment for any mental illness! It does not cure, rather stress of having a spouse with mental illness, before a marital bond strong enough to manage, may lead to negative consequences. It is true that many proposed marriages may not go ahead if there is a suggestion of a mental illness, probably same as a chronic physical illness. However, greater understanding is needed regarding the nature of mental illness, prognosis, one’s capability to manage marital relationship with the disorder; and ultimately, the spousal acceptability. As mental illness can start at any age, there is no guarantee that one will not start after marriage. However for existing illnesses around the time of marriage, a dialogue and appropriate communication is better.
There are various types of mental illness and some of them can run in families. It is important to know about them before marriage. Parents are usually eager to know if the groom or the bride has a problem -- drinking or drug abuse. Similarly it is not better to know if they have schizophrenia or bipolar disorders.
Most of the time, people do not ask, and people do not divulge. So, it is not uncommon to see distress soon after marriages, especially following arranged ones.
The distress is more when they realise soon after their marriage that their spouse has a severe mental illness. The situation may be different for minor, short lasting mental illnesses, which are more common. So as always, honesty is the best policy. Communicate properly before the marriage; and if needed, take the help of a professional clinician as there are many myths, misunderstandings and stigma around mental illness that may lead to unnecessary alarms.
It is difficult to find a reason for nodiscloser; still people do that, suggesting that no one will marry a person knowing about their mental illness. At the same time, marriage needs to be based on trust and honesty.
Although most mental illnesses start in adolescence or early adulthood, they can start at any age (except the ones having onset in childhood or adolescence). When they develop following marriage, spouses do take care in most instances and remain married for various reasons although it affects their life.
It is important to share the mental illness with the prospective bride or groom. It is better that they know and then proceed.
Married men are better off than unmarried men. Single women are better off than married ones.
Most of the time it involves without informing the other party because of stigma and the possibility of marriage may not go ahead because of mental illness. This is wrong.