All of us know that one has to be a good speaker to be successful as it is important to get one’s ideas across in written and verbal form so that the target audience can understand our ideas. A discussion can start based on our talk. Across professions, it is found to be true. When we admire an actor we go head over heels over the dialogues and so is the case with the successful stars in the corporate field and religious leaders. Among our social community also we look up to people who speak well. Not that they stand at a podium and give a speech but I am mentioning about simple drawing room conversations. At the end of a conversation or speech, some people leave us happy and yet others leave us in a confused state of mind. Some of them set us thinking and rouse creativity in us. Some we can’t relate at all and we wonder how the speaker has become successful.
Is it simply the fault of the speaker or partly the fault lies with our listening skillsIJ This is important to understand and we will not admit so easily that we could not relate as we were tuned off thinking about some personal problem and praying that the talk gets over soon. In a drawing room conversation or in office same thing happens and while nodding and giving the appropriate smiles and fillers we find ourselves in some other world giving a glossy eyed look at the speaker. These lead to misunderstandings and in the long run lead to conflicts. I have met quite a few couples who have problems and the most common complaint is, ‘she doesn’t listen to me’ or ‘he doesn’t listen to me’. Surprisingly the people at the podium or even a teacher can make out when the audience is not listening. How is this possibleIJ It’s possible because while speaking he is also listening. He is listening to your body language, eye contact, nodding of the heads, smiling, clapping etc. We may not know but by reflex we speak even without uttering a word. You will find that we listen by reflex and involuntarily and the speaker may change the course of content so as to get our attention or engage us.
It’s an established fact that one has to be an effective listener along with being a good speaker in order to succeed in life, be it personal or professional. Here are some easy suggestions how to become a good listener:
There is a soothsayer who starts his counseling by saying that he h0as counselled the Prime Ministers and other VIPs and dropping names all the while. Minus this quality he is a good astrologer. So, when sending a client to him, it is mentioned how to veer around and bring him to the main topic without offending him. This has to be done very diplomatically. Mostly it is found that the person who is listening only listens to that which concerns him. The other information is discarded by his faculties as this is the primordial instinct of every person to look out for his own survival and interest. Similarly the person who is mainly speaking would look out for his own interest and effective communication is carried on when there are common issues and both wind up satisfied. Developing the art of selective listening will surely lead a person to be liked and be successful. As the society is moving towards a individualistic one, everyone wants to express, share, write and only few want to be at the other end. People want a hearing without someone giving them advice. listeners are sought after and appreciated. You may ask someone why he likes the other person and may get the answer ‘ he listens to my problems and gives me time’. Now, the listener may or may not have vested interests. He would be practicing selective listening and absorbing only a few things important to him but his body language will show that he is ever alert.
To smoothen the conversation, fillers like, ‘oh yes’, ‘oh really’, ‘oh my, my’, ‘is it so’, ‘wow’, ‘wonderful idea’, ‘that’s great’ are used to encourage the speaker and make him know that we are in tune and listening and internalising his very word. ‘How about some coffee’ can also be a filler and a break when the listener may want to have some time to find out if his selective listening is working. Diverting to some topic like the latest news or cricket match will also help both but they must cut short and come back to the main point.
Body language has to match the fillers and selective listening. Smiling, nodding the head to say yes or no, eye contact, relaxing against the back of the sofa etc helps a lot. On the other hand, yawning, moving posture continuously, getting up to bring water, coffee, reading a paper, etc., lead the other person to think that the listener is bored and its time to go.
While using all the above tools the objective that remains is to make the person feel important by affirming that he is right and speaking a lot of sense. Going back to the instance of the astrologer, one can affirm and say, ‘Uncle, you are so lucky to have known such VIPs’ and then go on the main topic of astrology. It is most important to affirm and agree to his point of view so that he expresses himself comfortably and only then only we can react and provide suggestions. Until the person feels at ease he will never reveal. We all have someone or the other who is called ‘agony aunt’ expression-wise, who we run to in times of distress knowing fully well that she or he may not be capable of doing much but we know that she will give a patient hearing.
(sikta_pati@rediffmail.com)