Against the backdrop of the changing times, Snehil Khanor urges everyone to smash age-old notions and to embrace our inherent nature to care for and nurture others this Men’s Day

Men will be men; boys don’t cry; mard ko dard nahi hota; men should be fearless; a real man knows how to keep his wife in control; and men certainly don’t talk about the ‘f’ word — feelings!

Even though we live in the 21st century, these are just a few statements that have been passed on through decades and generations. The gender stereotypes that these statements bolster, contribute to maintaining the status quo, allowing patriarchy to hold its ground.

While much has been said about how patriarchy affects and downgrades women, the bigger question is does patriarchy affect only the fairer sex? And can it have any impact on men, their lives, or even emotions?

The flip side to the age-old structure

It is true, patriarchy is not very absolving of men either. Where women are required to be ideal daughters, wives, daughters-in-law, and mothers, men are expected and sometimes even taught to ‘wear the mask’ so they fit into the small, ideal mould of masculinity and are prepared for positions of domination. And being raised with the title of ‘preferred gender’ does little to save them from the toxic masculinity myth. From childhood to adolescence, when girls are told to be emotionally present, nurturing, and dependent on their desires, boys are taught to be independent, strong, and unemotional. They are subconsciously conditioned to not wear pink, use floral perfume, or even skincare products.

Such reluctance from men to express themselves on subjects other than work or career, even when among a group of close friends, is also a key factor for men inhibiting from coming out on issues, such as depression and anxiety. Though this aversion is often seen to stem from the fear of being seen as ‘less manly’ by male peers, rather than their female counterparts; maybe we can blame it on John Wayne for his rugged individualism and appropriate manliness, which does not tell the real story of how men can really thrive.

But the harsh reality is that patriarchy does not exist only in men. Women too are swimming in tides of patriarchy and sometimes are just as patriarchal as men. They hold the same types of biases and often want their partners to fit into the small box of machoism.

Patriarchy meandering into relationships

From the lens of masculinity, this is just the start. This rigid dichotomy of gender roles is enslaving men and women to far-fetched standards of how they should behave and conduct themselves. At the same time, it is also seeping into their relationships, making them clones of their previous generations and brewing troubles, especially as the next generation of millennials and Gen Z are more aware of their desires and value of happiness. But this evolving scenario is also calling upon men and women to find their way out of patriarchy because the old rules were not built for intimacy and happiness.

Rethinking roles

As we usher in a new era of social consciousness, there are many Indian men, who are stepping out of traditional roles and openly embracing the idea of sharing equal responsibilities in a household. Not shying away from the instincts to care and nurture, a lot of millennial fathers and husbands are coming forward, sometimes even as stay-at-home dads to be more involved with their children and share the responsibilities.

Even during Covid-19, when offices shut down, a lot of men began pitching in more, at home, and even took charge of household chores such as doing dishes and cooking three meals a day. Some of the more aware men, including the famous celebrity and cricketer, Virat Kohli, have gone a step further as they break barriers by choosing to marry women who are taller and tower over them.

Underscoring this role reversal by such couples and individuals, is the fact that they dared to unlearn and then learn a healthier approach towards the other sex and relationships, in general.

 Bottom line

We are past the age when men were from Mars and women were from Venus. It is important to take into consideration that both are from planet Earth and both need to dive into the concept of wholeness rather than working as halves, where one is the breadwinner and the other is the homemaker. While women need to be resilient, bold and feminine, and confident, at the same time men need to be a complete mix of strong, vulnerable, confident, and sensitive. And as the tide is turning, we can see men also understand that what they stand to gain from smashing patriarchy far outweighs what they might lose. Because at the end of the day, har mard ko dard hota hai.

(The author is the co-founder & CEO of TrulyMadly, an online dating app.)