Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a day dedicated to lovers. While the origin, the history and the existence of St Valentine may be of academic interest only, the fact is that young India will celebrate Valentine’s Day any case, antagonists notwithstanding. What is the notion of love is again a debatable issue, but yes, there is an emotion called love and it is a basic one. All humans and animals are born with it.
Obviously there is need to understand this basic emotion. What is itIJ How is it expressedIJ And is there a right way to express itIJ From roses to kisses, are all ways to express love. There are some who hate this and are hostile towards love because hate and rage are also basic emotions humans and animals are born with.
Coming back to the issue of understanding the nature of love. love is the very essence of creation. This whole world exists because of love. love keeps the world going. Essentially, it gives a feeling of liking for somebody, makes someone miss somebody and gives a longing for somebody. A positivity is generated. But what is the issue thenIJ As it is understood, love seeks reciprocation. What if it is not reciprocatedIJ Negativity creeps in, giving rise to pain, hatred or frustration. This negativity is the antithesis of love.
Psychologists have studied the emotion of love rather deeply but have failed to understand the essence of it and have only been able to explain the various forms of its expression. The problem is that for all practical purposes love is seen as a transaction where reciprocation is a necessary condition. This is erroneous and has created misconceptions.
A very interesting account of love can be found in an article by Harry F Harlow published in American Psychologist in 1958. The first few lines of the long article give quite useful insights about love and are quoted in an abridged form: “love is a wonderous state, deep, tender and rewarding. Because of its intimate and personal nature, it is regarded by some as an improper topic for experimented research. But our assigned mission as psychologists is to analyse all facets of human and animal behaviour. Psychologists have failed in this mission. The little we know about love does not transcend simple observation and the little we write has been written better by poets and novelists. What concerns is that psychologists have given less attention to a motive which pervades our entire life.”
Though the whole article needs to be read in order to understand love, the sum and substance is clear. love is a wonderous state, deep, tender and rewarding and contrary to the position held by most psychologists, it is a primary drive. But the difficulty is that this primary drive can be manifested in many ways from socially desirable to undesirable. However, the biggest problem is in the nature of relationship as love invariably seeks control. This is the main drawback.
love is not give and take. It is transformational rather than transactional. God loved birds and he made trees. Man also loved birds but he made cages. This is the difference. love should not seek captivity. love captivates but it must be free of bondage. love is a natural response and not a derived one. Naturally, freedom is the essence. love the birds but let them fly.
The writer teaches management at Indian School of Mines, Dhanbad (Jharkhand). He can be reached at ppathak.ism@gmail.com
