In her recent book, Geeta Maheshwari talks about social and family pressures faced by step mothers and says that patience is the key to forming a happy family
Step family’ is a marital unit where one parent has child/children that are not related to the other parent. It can be ‘simple’ when only one member of the couple has prior child/children or ‘complex’ when both have at least one pre-existing child or the couple has additional child or children together. Each has strengths to build on and challenges to overcome.
A majority of step families today are formed after marriage breakdown rather than death of one parent. With increase in divorce and remarriage, their number is only swelling. The incidence of remarriage breakdown is as high as 60-70 per cent, and that of remarriage with children even higher. This tells us that ‘step journey’ is indeed a tough road to travel.
If you stop to think about it, why shouldn’t it beIJ When people who are barely more than acquaintances come together and live in the intimacy of one home, problems cannot be far behind. The cause of problems is not these people. It is the complex dynamics of a step family that are just so stressful that for many opting out seems to be the best option.
Most couples in step families don’t really care to educate themselves about the process of making it work. They feel because they have been there done that, they will be able to manage fairly well. They also tend to superimpose the expectations and behaviours of a first time married family onto their step family and this back fires big time.
The truth is that despite all good intentions to make it a rewarding experience and the back-breaking efforts these couples put in toward achieving the ‘happily ever after’ goal, a step family cannot and will never function as a natural family as there are fundamental structural and psychological differences between the two.
In a natural family, a couple meets, falls in love, gets time to solidify their relationship before adding a child to the family. With remarriage, newlyweds do not enjoy the same privacy and bonding time. One is a new spouse and a parent or step parent from the start.
In a step family, the parent-child bond predates the couple relationship and therefore is often given higher priority than the new marriage. Step parents join a family that already has loyalties, traditions and roles established. They often feel like outsiders, a feeling most step parents resent.
Step families are not a tight knit group (mother, father and kids only). There are many other people involved including former partners, their new partners and families, and members of the extended families. More people mean more stress and more complications.
As step families are formed after loss (death/divorce) they usually start with a handicap. Everyone involved is highly sensitive to rejection and loss and struggling to get their needs met. Anger, disappointment and other negative feelings pile up very quickly leading to a round-robin kind of conflict situation: between the couple, between the step parent and step child/children, and between step siblings. loyalty triangles in first time families are equilateral. A child’s love for one parent does not compete with love for the other parent, plus there is no competition for love and affection between generations. It is assumed that if one partner cares for the couple’s children, they are indirectly caring for the other partner.
Having to deal with pre-adolescent and adolescent children in the home is a difficult time for all parents, but for a step parent it is a nightmare. These kids are the main initiators of conflict in the step family. They often show their emotions through acting out, holding back or even trying to break up their biological parent’s new marriage.
Unlike a natural family, a step family has to deal with unique environmental pressures (legal, financial, logistical, social). This causes a lot of stress for its members and discourages them to continue to work through their challenges.
All of this and more makes the step experience an extremely tricky transition for families to negotiate. But if you care to take out time to understand the dynamics before you are in the thick of things, in most cases you will be able to hold your ground and keep your sanity. Interactions will be less hurtful and resolving conflicts will be easier, and your journey will have fewer surprises and more harmony.
Most children in step situation get along fairly well with their step father. They even tend to think of them as ‘another parent.’ But the step mother is generally considered only their ‘father’s wife.’ Ever given a thought to why the step father is nice and the step mother is nastyIJ Why society has this ridiculous double standard when comparing the twoIJ Why the step mother is always made the social scapegoatIJ If you think it’s her own wickedness or just plain lack of trying, guess again. It has more to do with other factors at play (gender differences and relational dynamics) in a step family, factors way beyond her control. Society places unfair expectations on the step mother. She is supposed to please everyone and accept everything with a smile and not have any feelings about issues. And when things don’t go well in the step family, which is often the case, the step mother is always blamed for the mess. It’s a man’s world, after all.
Women are more likely than men to create loyalty binds for their children. Many step kids feel that liking the step mother would be a betrayal of the biological mother. They keep the step mother at arm’s length in an attempt to express solidarity with their birth mother. More loving, appealing and warm children find their step mother, more conflicted they become and more likely they are to reject her. Children feel less conflicted about betraying their biological father.
The complex dynamics are badly stacked against the step mother and make her the ‘least empowered’ and the ‘most vulnerable’ member of the step family. She would do well if she stops battling the artificial stigma of being ‘wicked’, and instead focus her energy on being the good person that she is and the best that she can be. Only then she can realise her dream of a happy family, or else she is in for more heartache, more loneliness, and more tears.
courtesy lessons For Step Mothers (Partridge)