Shunali Shroff, author of Battle Hymn of a Bewildered Mother, says that love and a little authority are all you need to be a good parent. She chats with Divya Kaushik on the complexities and challenges faced by modern moms
In the last few years there have been guide books and ‘how to do it’ books on parenting. How is this one differentIJ
While I read many books on parenting, some lucid, some bizarre, I found them a bit tedious and self-righteous. I think self help books often lead to self loathing. What I set out to write was my own experience as a girl who always thought about her career, the firmness of her abs and what dress she would wear to the next soiree. When motherhood happened, thinking about a baby was a perplexing task because I had not conditioned my mind to be responsible for another life form.
I had nine months to prepare for motherhood but I think I was hoping for some fairy godmother to show up at the end of my third trimester and move into my house till the kid left for college. So this book is my journey as a mother with the highs and lows, the agonies and the ecstasies of it all. I think this might be a ‘what not to’ rather than a ‘what to do’ book.
How do you address the challenges of modern parenting in the bookIJ
After spending 12 years as a hands-on mother, and at the risk of sounding clichéd, I can finally say that to be a good parent ‘love and a little authority are all you need.’ The problem with most of us today is that we are confused about what we want. The typical dilemmas that confront women today are how much of our time should we give to our work, our kids, our spouses and fitness. It isn’t easy to do it all, in fact it is impossible. We aim for a figure like J lo, career like Indra Nooyi and a marriage like Brangelina. Since we are trying to be aces at everything, our inner instinct is lying suppressed somewhere within us leaving us feeling inadequate and maybe even stifled.
I don’t think our mothers ever had to read self-help books. They raised us by instinct and even though we got whacked occasionally and lessons in child psychology were not applied to our upbringing, most of us have turned out fine. I think our moms did well because they had faith in themselves whereas we are trying to be so many things because of the pressure that we feel.
I would call my parents all the time for advise on how to deal with various challenges that came my way as a mum. Being a mum for the first time was like learning to fly a plane in a thermal suit, almost as complicated if not more. My issues were with myself. Constantly worrying about my children or fearing that I will not know how to be an efficient mother. I have written about my own experience of pregnancy hormones and the greater challenge once the baby arrived.
I have written about school admissions and birthday parties, sex education, travelling with loud children, crushes, teaching the value for money and learning to deal with your guilt as a mother. However, none of this is told in a preachy way with morals and lessons. In fact, I was surprised to hear that some single 24 year olds who recently read my book actually enjoyed it because it isn’t really a mommy book. It is a ‘let’s-laugh-at-ourselves’ kind of a book. I am just telling you the truth in a direct way.
Is your writing inspired by any of your readingsIJ
We develop a style of expressing ourselves basis what we grow up reading. I grew up reading a variety of literary authors but I enjoyed the wit and humour of PG Wodehouse, Nick Hornby, Sue Townsend, Bill Bryson, Oscar Wilde and Helen Fielding immensely.
Is there any message that you want to share through the bookIJ
I did not set out to write a book with a message but yes, I have written a quote by lao Tzu which my father had made the anthem of his life and one that he wanted his kids to embrace as their life’s philosophy. ‘Be the last. Move in this world as if you are not. Remain unknown. Don’t be competitive, don’t try to prove your worth.
There is no need. Remain useless and enjoy.’ I know this sounds facile, but if you look at the deeper meaning, you will realise that this is the only way to be content. I think the one thing that I am trying to say through the book is that let us do our best without feeling disappointed with our imperfections.
And that there is more than one kind of a good mother so let us not keep comparing ourselves with other mums and feel inadequate. To sum it up, ‘Be yourself, trust yourself, trust your kids, trust life and don’t compete. There is no need.’