Instead of changing the people in your life, try and change the lens with which you perceive their characters, and believe that a relationship is your journey that you decide to share with someone else. Gradually, the idea of a “perfect and ideal relationship” shifts to give space to the reality of a strong, difficult yet comforting relationship. By Aditi Surana
The problem with relationships is people fall in love with an idea of a person but have to live with personalities they do not recognise.” This was my response when someone asked me why is it so difficult to be married when I knew him as my boyfriend for two years.
Not only this but all those glorified stories of love, of unblemished relationships that invariably end with a note of happiness, we believe all that because a part of us, conscious or subconscious, wishes to replicate that in our own lives. Yes, we believe what we want to, or rather, what our mind tells us we want to. To have a partner who’s understanding, supportive, faithful, loving, caring, compassionate, dedicated....And the list goes on and on. Although there’s a catch in this. Ask your other friends, acquaintances, seniors and elders, their list too somewhat resembles/resembled the same as stated above. Now, how does that work when it has been sufficiently established that we are all unique and diverse characters with our own psychiatric, characteristic and philosophical idiosyncrasiesIJ
Imagine a fish and a bird. Or some unrelated characters getting together. Same applies to our partners as well. And this is where the concept of the “idea of a person” and “a personality” comes into play. Our idea of a person is how we want to perceive that person, and the real personality is who that person is in actuality.
Someone very rightfully said that relationships are a crazy roller coaster ride. There will be maddening ups and disappointing downs as well. And I have always been of the belief that most of the fights, quarrels, misunderstandings that take place, or sometimes, we inflict on the relationship, are not because of gaps in the alliance, but because of gaps in our understanding of who we are as an individual. If we don’t have a very established sense, a concrete idea of who we are and what we are looking for in a relationship, we tend to fit our partners somewhere in that very-ideal list. In all possibilities, your partner isn’t that. And you, maybe you are only in love with the idea that you have formed of your partner, and not his/her real self, the person he/she is in reality.
All these theories stand on one stand and real-life, practical problems on one, isn’t itIJ But if you can really relate to the idea of being who you are and sink deeper into the realisation, the road will be long, but it will also seem a little less bumpy. Moreover, what if sinking deeper into yourself makes the road a little less bumpyIJ
The very old and traditional idea of one soul and two bodies loses relevance in the 21st century when all of us are struggling everyday, through all our actions, to get even an inch closer to realising and being who we are.
After all, if a bird is to fall in love with a fish, only true and real understanding can bring a common ground, which, according to me, is perspective. They can only understand each other’s world if they know, understand, and respect their own personalities well enough.
Essentially, relationships are unique in themselves. No one formulae or equation can define them. And to believe that it is a journey that you take together will only make it more difficult and seemingly impossible. So, how about instead of changing the people in your life, you try and change the lens with which you perceive their characters, and believe that a relationship is your journey that you decide to share with someone elseIJ And gradually, if not immediately, the idea of a “perfect and ideal relationship” shifts to give space to the reality of a strong, difficult yet comforting relationship.
So, how about we take the situation in our reins, move things a little and give ourselves the time and space that is required to build a strong relationship with who we are, before engaging in a life-long alliance with someone elseIJ
(The author is a Mumbai-based graphologist)