Geeta Ramakrishnan shares why learning to say ‘no’ means saying ‘yes’ to a healthy lifestyle
“How can I say no?”
“What if they feel bad?”
“I cannot say no to my boss...”
“My children need me.”
“I have done it for my spouse for so long; now it feels like a habit.”
While you are stuck with your commitments or someone else’s additional work that you took on unwittingly, do these excuses cross your mind?
Many of us struggle to say ‘no’ in our daily lives. Perhaps, because we are afraid of rejection, anger, or the other person’s reaction to our refusal; and often, we find ourselves taking on more than we can manage. We can get so used to saying yes and pleasing others that we don’t even know what we want or need. This people-pleasing is often rooted in childhood, where we are raised to be good children by helping others. And in the future, we sometimes do so even at the expense of ourselves.
But if your schedule is tightly packed with others’ requests to an extent where you don’t have time for what is important to you — or worse, where your mental and physical wellbeing is at risk — it is time to make some changes.
Why do we say ‘yes’?
There are several reasons why we say yes rather than no. To keep people happy, buy peace in the present (although it will surely come back to bite you in the future) or because we think that saying no makes us look weak. Culture also plays a vital part in saying yes to requests you actually don’t want to. In many cultures, saying no can be considered rude and graceless. Sometimes, people say yes because the one who is asking is a good friend they don’t want to let down, while others are just pleasers by nature who like saying yes all the time, even if they cannot handle it later.
How it becomes a harmful pattern
While fear, temporary peace and avoiding confrontation are reasons why we say yes, we must ask ourselves, “Does it help in the long run? Or will it pull down my confidence level?”
For example, your colleague wants you to finish their work because ‘something else’ that is more important has come up. And you oblige. Now, you notice that ‘something important’ is coming up more often, but you still cannot say no. You may think, “What if they feel bad?” or, “It is okay. It’s just ten more minutes of my time.” And, “Let me do it one last time.” and then another, and it goes on. Soon, it has become a pattern which you cannot break.
Repercussions
When people say yes, they think they are trying to be kind and accommodating. But this accommodation costs them their time and efficiency. Often, we say yes to people despite our busy schedules or even if we do not wish to take on others’ work. This reluctance to voice an assertive ‘no’ adds to an already existing stressful workload — neither helping yourself or the person to whom you said yes.
The inability to say no, when it turns into a vicious cycle, comes at a price. You might start complaining and whining, and at that time, nobody wants to listen to you. This pattern of self-sabotage makes one resentful and more stressed, taking a toll on their confidence level and productivity.
How to say ‘no’ assertively
To start reclaiming your time and your wellbeing by saying “no” more, tune into what it is that you really want. Instead of impulsively saying yes, develop a habit of asking yourself, ‘Am I agreeing to do this for me?’ Start with small things, such as when you are offered a drink or if someone asks you for a trivial favour.
When put on the spot and asked to help with something you don’t have the capacity to and the thought of saying no to their face fills you with dread, buy yourself some more time. Ask people to text or email their requests to you so that you can get back to them. It’s absolutely reasonable for you to say that you need to check your calendar before answering, allowing you to check in with yourself about what you want. Once you do that, find the right words with which to decline them. You can be polite and say, “I wish I could help you, but I have this bit of work that needs my attention. I am so sorry.” And gracefully navigate your way out.
If a senior at work requests something from you, you can choose a time when they are more relaxed and explain your pressure to them as they might understand. Eventually, people will realise that you are no longer a soft target. Speaking up for yourself might earn you more respect than just doing favours and extra work for others.
When it comes to family, sometimes, you have to say yes whether you like it or not, which is okay. But one has to learn to draw boundaries. Define in your head the extent to which you will stretch yourself to help them, as well as the limit when you will say ‘no’ assertively and nicely. It will help you feel more confident and strong.
Nobody wants to overwork and stress themselves to a point where they have no energy left for themselves nor others. Saying no allows you to say yes to what really matters to you. It lets you be a better person — because when you say yes, it comes from a place of genuine care and not from resentment or fear. Rather than drowning in a busy schedule, it creates more space for you physically and mentally.
Saying ‘no’ more often means saying yes to more self-care, better health and your overall well being.
(The author is an ontological coach and author.)