Sometimes life pushes us to an extreme and reduces us to a state of chaos. lIPA RATH narrates how she overcame the toughest challenge of her life and turned things around for herself. Excerpts:
It was in 2001, I was running from one attorney’s office to the other, wondering who could give me some hope of bringing my minor daughter back from a foreign land. The custody terms were not set in the absolute legal terms. I took it for granted that, since we were both her parents, we would obviously do things in her best interest.Unfortunately, on paper, I had no power to stop the other parent from completely disconnecting me from my child for life. Moreover, Indian jurisdiction has its geographical boundaries. A legal order can easily be flouted if you are not living in the country. Whoever saw my custody terms asked me how I could have been so naïve and draft the custody terms so unprofessionally!
Not finding much hope with the attorneys, I was asked to refer to Vedic astrologers. One time, as I was visiting Bhubaneswar, my dad’s friend, a senior bureaucrat and chief secretary of the State, asked me to visit. He knew of a certain astrologer who was very well known and very accurate in his predictions.
The astrologer, who sounded like a man of wisdom and understanding, asked me a few questions. After a long pause, he enquired, “Was she your firstbornIJ Did you have a miscarriage before she was bornIJ” I said no to the miscarriage and yes, she was my firstborn. Then very sympathetically, he said, “Well, I’m sorry to say this, but you are destined to lose your first child. If you had a miscarriage, then perhaps the chances of getting her back would have been much more. Sorry; I cannot give you any remedy or false hope on this.”
Suddenly, I felt a much greater power overtake me. I was surprised that I didn’t feel angry, afraid, or dejected. On the contrary; I felt a sense of deep calmness and certainty.“Sir,” I said, “I do respect astrology; and I know many of your predictions have come true. But I have befriended God and He is the power of the universe. With my God-given will power, I will prove your prediction wrong this time. I will get her back.” The words sprang from my mouth as an outpouring of a conviction.
A few weeks later, as I was going through my favourite book yet again, Autobiography of a Yogi, by Paramhansa Yogananda, I read the chapter, ‘Outwitting the Stars’. Yogananda’s guru, Swami Sri Yukteswar, was a gyan-avatar, an avatar of wisdom and a keen astrologer. He says in this chapter, “The message boldly blazoned across the heavens at the moment of birth is not meant to emphasise fate but to arouse man’s will to escape from his universal thralldom. What he has done, he can undo. He can overcome any limitation, because he created it by his own action in the first place, because he has the spiritual resources which are not subject to planetary pressure.”
This knowledge strengthened my belief. Tears rolled down my cheeks, as I could not contain my overwhelming gratitude and inward assurance I felt from these pages.It was not easy to lose your child indefinitely while carrying on a physically abusive relationship, constantly making excuses at work for the swollen jaw or rushing to the hospital to check if the concussion on the head has left any permanent damage, while at the same time looking for a less threatening and affordable place to live. Physical pain became peripheral. I had a battle ahead.
As a mother, the loss of a child was the hardest. The agony of not having any connection with my daughter for months and then years was unbearable. My daughter and I shared a great friendship based on mutual respect and transparency; we loved each other’s company. I didn’t feel that I had anything to be ashamed of, and hence I did not hide things from her. I admitted that, although I was a mother, I was still learning and correcting.
I cannot deny this: during this ordeal, there were a few times when the thought of ending my life came very strongly. In fact, one day in the busy traffic of JP Road in Versova, Mumbai, I felt so dejected and hopeless that I just stood in the middle of the traffic, struggling with the will to live. I almost let myself go. An unperturbed and a steady voice said, “Hang on!” A car screeched to a halt, and I crossed the road. looking back, I see that was the nadir, the lowest point ever. Could anything be worse than losing the will to liveIJ
When you recover from that depth, you wonder how you can be useful. Whether the magnitude of the work is in helping the planet, the environment, or just being useful in your small community or family, the purpose and objective of life becomes clear: How can I be of use to othersIJ The past feeling of uselessness fuels this constant need to do good for others and be useful. It’s not a passive justification; it’s a strong feeling. Indeed, this feeling is the doorway to abundance.
In fact, this is one of the reasons I wanted to write this book. When you are feeling that close to the end, know that you are embarking on a journey of abundance. Feeling this way means you are needed in this world to help heal. Today, I feel very proud of the sufferings that I bravely suffered.
The writer is a spiritual counsellor, an angel therapist, and author of living Courageously