Relationships are complicated, hence commitment is a big no-no. But sex is easy. The idea might have generated in the West but our GenX is happy embracing friends with benefits. MANJARI SINGH speaks to counselors who say these kind of hook-ups have a tendency to get out of hand and create problems in the future
Twentytwo-year-old Trishna Agarwal met Tushar Jain, a corporate lawyer from Mumbai, on a dating site. They liked each other. Trishna flew to Mumbai to meet Tushar. But neither wanted to get seriously involved, so they decided to have a purely sexual relationship while staying friends. The friendship didn’t last long and they parted their ways.
“The moment I met him, I knew he was not the one but he was attractive. I just wanted to have some fun with him whenever I visited Mumbai for work. Then I met my present boyfriend and am now in a serious relationship with him. The best part is that he loves me,” Trishna says.
Twentyseven-year-old Aarushi Singh met 29-year-old Rahul Grover at a pub. They decided to meet for coffee next day. After many more such dates, the two decided that all they wanted from each other was a physical relationship. Things worked perfectly for several months till one day Aarushi found out that it was not only her that Rahul was sleeping with.
“I still can’t figure out what was going on. To me, it was more than just awesome sex. I think I was in love with him but he had made it clear what he wanted from me. While it appeared to work for some time, I let emotions take over,” Aarushi tells you.
Trishna and Aarushi are not alone when it comes to having friends with benefits, a concept that has set a trend in the country. There are thousands of young and restless people who don’t talk but love to whatsapp, who make up and break up on BBM and think that to be in a committed relationship is a waste of time, especially when they can find an outlet to fulfill their sexual desires. love it or hate it but you can’t ignore it, youngsters these days are actually sharing what Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis had in Hollywood movie Friends with Benefits without caring about the fallout.
“Teenyears are age of storm and stress. That’s the age when youngsters see changes in their bodies and get attracted towards the opposite sex. Sometimes the reason to get into a relationship just to flaunt — see I have two boyfriends. See I have three girlfriends,” Dr Geetanjali Sharma, marriage and relationship counselor with familymarriagecounselling.com, says.
But why go for such a relationshipIJ “At 24, a lot is happening — one gets a new job, starts out in life and spreads one’s wings. They want someone to share all these with,” Dr Sharma tells you. Agrees Sebastian Varghese, a 28-year-old marketing executive. “If one can find a person who is willing to have sex with you without demanding a relationship, what is the harm. We are all adults and can make our own decisions,” Varghese opines.
However, not all is smooth sailing. Everything looks rosy till one of the partners gets serious, like Aarushi did.
It all starts on a temporary note but then we are human beings and need emotional support. The chances of one of the persons in the relationship getting serious is common, counsellors say. While some find it easy to move on, others take years. “There are five needs people want to fulfill when they get into a relationship — emotional, physical, mental, social and financial. Even if they don’t get all the five, physical and emotional needs need to be fulfilled,” Dr Sharma says.
According to her, the youth are so self-centered these days that they don’t care about other people’s needs. They concentrate on extracting the most out of any relationship and if it comes with sex, it is an added benefit. “They break up on a mere SMS; it’s not at all a big deal for them. They just don’t care what the partner is looking for or what he or she will go through when the relationship ends via social media sites,” Dr Sharma states, adding that the fallout of such relationships is devastating.
“They need someone to share their life with, like others. Over the 90 per cent of people look back and realise that they have made a mistake. Even though they get married to a different person, they are unable to mentally break away from their earlier relationship however casual it may have been. They try to remain in touch on Facebook and Twitter. This is because every relationship needs a closure. Friends with benefits ends abruptly which means the relationship is still in limbo,” Dr Sharma explains. He adds that it’s the women who suffer the most.
“Girls are the most affected. They get into it because they want to appear modern in their outlook. It is ‘cool’ to have a friend with whom they have a physical relationship. But girls will remain girls. Moreso, in our country. They are brought up with a stronger value system. The fact that they look for emotional support in every relationship complicates the situation,” Dr Sharma says.
However, Dr Kamal Khurana, a Delhi-based relationship therapist with the Counselling Institute, has a different take. According to him, both girls and boys suffer equally. He says that there is no harm in learning from one’s mistakes.
“Society is changing and youngsters want to learn from their experience. Our ancestors had this notion that they have to love their partners come what may. They had to stick to the relationship no matter what. The present generation is not like that. If the relationship doesn’t work, they move on,” Dr Khurana says, adding that these people eventually learn.
“How many girls will a man have sex withIJ One, two, three, fourIJ The fifth girl would teach him the lesson of his life. Girls learn their lessons when they get pregnant, have an abortion and end up ruining their lives,” Dr Khurana, who has counselled many such youngsters who have had a friends-with-benefits relationship and are now out looking for a serious partner.
“There was this man who came to me for counselling. He said that he had had sex with some 600 women. These one-night stands meant that he found it difficult to go out with one woman even though he now wants a more permanent relationship,” Dr Khurana recalls.