A time machine for Sachin Tendulkar, anti-direction creams for Kaizad Gustad and Prabhu Dheva and some chill pills for Armaan Kohli — Santa Claus has a gift tailor-made for every celebrity. In a Chritsmas special, Sunday PIONEER brings you a list of celebs that have been naughty and nice this year and what presents are there for them in the stockings
Prabhu Deva
Gift: Camera allergy cream
Why: Most critics have slammed his last film R... Rajkumar as the worst movie of 2013. Trade pandits go a step ahead to say R... is the worst ever film. Here are some anguished tweets:
iamyoge: silent ho ja ....warna R ...Rajkumar movie dikha dunga.....
gayatri_gauri: R…Rajkumar: R..ridiculously G..gandi F..film
Diler_Thakur: R.. Rajkumar dialogues give me Cancer
Dheeraj: BREAKING : Sources reveal R in “R....Rajkumar” stands for rubbish.
Kaizad Gustad
Gift: Tadipaarfrom Bollywood
Why:For making Jackpot-ty (as many people refer to the movie now). While critics panned the film, some sought a ban on the gentleman from film-making. As if Boom was not enough of an atrocity!
Some comments which went viral: “Only go for Jackpot if you sat right until the end of the titles of Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag and yelled en core!”
“It was Sachiin Joshi who was the real star of the film. He’s proved that he doesn’t even need acting lessons — because they won’t change a thing”.
Shahid Kapoor
Gift:Some height and adulthood puh-lease!
Why:He just can’t seem to shed his chocolate boy typecast. This despite trying so very hard with films like Kaminey and unkempt taporigiri of a sadak chhaap romeo in R...Rajkumar. That’s not his forte really! Perhaps, a potential analyser should come to him from Santa.
Katrina Kaif
Gift:A bodyguard
Why:Kaif has been paparrazied a little too often for her own comfort. Be it her private-turned-public holiday in a bikini at Ibiza (which was the talk of 2013) or her dinning out with Neetu Kapoor and friends at Paris, or even when she was promoting her film in Mumbai, people just can’t let her be. Kaif was not herself while fielding embarrassing queries about her relationship with Ranbir and Salman and left midway from a Press conference.
A bodyguard, we feel could help her out of sticky situations!
Sofia Hayat
Gift:Some clothes, any clothes!
Why:British model-turned-actress-turned Bigg Boss 7 contestant courts controversy. First, her constant singing and speaking in broken Hindi inside the Bigg Boss house was an irritant for the public and fellow inmates.
Then her quarrelsome attitude and verbal duels with Armaan Kohli became talking points. But her problems maxed when inmates and viewers alike complained about her indecent dressing and accused her of obscenity.
Her excuseIJ “I am not used to Bharatiya sanskriti. Give me some time and I will progress from a mini skirt to a saree!” She managed to do so on Diwali but with a virtually non-existent blouse.
Tusshar Kapoor
Gift:Abba dabba jabba roles!
Why:When he speaks on the big screen it is mostly his big foot in his small mouth. So Santa has will be bringing him a series of aaaaoon, aaaoon roles which can get him a filmfare award some time in life.
Karan Johar
Gift:Decree scrapping 377
Why:KJo’s status is still very unstated but the veteran filmmaker was the only one in Bollywood who came out all guns blazing against politicos who supported Supreme Court’s ruling on the lGBT community. KJo who has been joking about his own gender issues recently said he has spent 2,000 ‘personal’ days with Shah Rukh Khan. He has been unofficially ‘linked’ with other actors as well but Karan knows how to take ‘these things in his stride’.
“Sweet and sour. I like to keep my options open,” he said at a chat show recently, making us wonder if he was referring to his cuppa Koffee or to a partner.
Hrithik Roshan
Gift:A stay order!
Why: Hrithik made his 2013 splash as Krrish but stunned the world by announcing his separation from his wife of 13 years Suzzane Roshan!
It was Bollywood’s fairytale romance which had stayed unblemished for 17 years. Santa has decided to bring in court summons to tell the couple to give each other, and their lovely children, another chance.
Sonakshi Sinha
Gift:Her hair a headstart!
Why:Santa doesn’t like the jokes on her doing the rounds online. Sometimes it is about her tyre-some waist, sometimes it is about her forehead being compared to a cricket field. So Santa brings in a funky fringe for her.
Armaan kohli
Gift:Chill pill!
Why:Wherever there is a fight, there’s Armaan Kohli. This most cantankerous 40-year-old Bigg Boss7 participant has been suffering from a ranting diarrhea ever since the first episode was aired.
With Andy, Kushal, Sangram, Tanisha, Gauhar, Sophia or anyone else — Armaan has been at it. “Sometimes I ask my mother, did she fall down when she was expecting meIJ I must have hit my head against something and some screws fell off...” Armaan said on the show. True, so Santa has a chill pill for him.
Sanjay leela Bhansali
Gift:A new canvas!
Why:The ace filmmaker of colours in whatever project he picks. Black was Black. Sawariya was blue. Raamleela VIBGYOR! A terrific film received well by the masses but Santa feels SlB needs to vent his passion for colour on a newer canvas — and perhaps a new career, that of a painter.
Salman Khan
Gift:Shaadi ka ladoo!
Why:If there is one thing India really wants to know, it is when Salman Khan will tie the knot. Khan confessed on his TV show that he has answered that question a staggering 276 times in front of the camera in 2013! The query also features on Hobbs India’s most asked questions’ list.
So Sallu bhai, Santa will just shut them up once and for all by gifting you your most awaited possession — a shaadi ka laddoo that will do the trick.
Rahul Gandhi
Gift:Power to say Yes I Can/ or a helping Hand
Why:He says this and he says that but he doesn’t say what India wants to hear. Rahul baba Santa thinks it’s time for you to take responsibility so he will be bringing you a voice that makes sense.
Ranjeet
Gift:A zipper that doesn’t go down.
Why:Here are some disturbing statistics: Ranjeet has ‘raped’ (and then pulled his zip up) 17 times in his films. This accounts for 70 per cent of his screen time. If, on screen, he is not a rapist, he is a wife beater or a roadside romeo.
Santa’s sincere advice to Ranjeet playing such roles: Tone them down or I am getting the zipper lock for you.
Arnab Goswami
Gift:Voice & decibel relaxant!
Why:The nation wants to know what ArGo (his fans call him that) has for dinner that gives him so much energy.
Some feel it has to be Duracell batteries! Write whatever and say what comes to your mind but never ever, ever ever is his show going to lack in decibel mania.
Tarun Tejpal
Gift:An existence sans lifts!
Why: Santa has written the lyrics for Adnan Sami’s new version of his famous song and they go this way: “Thodi se to lift hata de”. That’s his gift this year for a man who has made a sorry kind of Tehelka in 2013!
Manmohan Singh
Gift:Voice please
Why:Santa is bewildered by Singh’s continued silence on policy issues, moreso because in the 90s he saw him full throttle on anything to do with the economy. So this 2013, he has invented a new app for the PM called the bolo bolo kuch to bolo app.
Ram Kapoor
Gift:Cut flab regime!
Why:Seriously, Kapoor needs to slow down his growth horizontally otherwise his audiences will not get to see him even on their flat TV screens. The actor put on 5 kg during the shoot of Bade Acchey lagte Hain. Santa buys him a love to shove de chicken purana regime.
ACP Pradyuman
Gift: long overdue promotion!
Why:Pradyuman doesn’t have that fixed expression because he is suffering from stomach ailments but because he has been stuck with his job for a very long time — 15 years as ACP is so, so long. No wonder he keeps dialogues — Daya... suna tumne... usne yeh kaha ki...! Santa has decided to kick him upstairs this 2013.
Sachin Tendulkar
Gift:A time machine so that he can be back to delight millions from the middle!
Why: Sachin is the biggest gift to cricket and Santa can do us all a huge favour by putting him in a time machine and bringing him back to us in the game. Trade gurus say, viewership of cricket has fallen by 67 per cent after Sachin retired.
Milkha Singh
Gift:Doodh aur andey!
Why:It doesn’t sound right when we say we got a legend because he wanted to run for milk and eggs! Santa will rewrite history, provide Milkha with basic necessities and then see how the Sikh flies!
Kapil Sharma
Gift:Gutthi!
Why: Sharma has been bestowed the title of Entertainer of the Year and rightly so. In the midst of all problems and woes, it is Comedy Nights With Kapil that gives the nation a break every weekend. But ever since Gutthi left him, it’s been a difficult climb up into the tickling side. So Santa will be stocking in the situation and persuading Gutthi to return.