The syndrome of I, me, myself is not a narcissistic one after all. We squirmed when Poo of Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham went ‘I love myself'. But what is wrong with thatIJ There's always time to introspect whether you have compromised with your belief and yourself. Experts tell you it is okay to explore and indulge in this relationship with yourself every once in a while.Deebashree Mohanty tells you more
You have burned midnight oil so that your child studies through the night for his final exam. You’ve foregone that luxurious car and a foreign assignment, just so your family gets the best of everything. You’ve also, down the line, become complacent about your own well-being. This isn’t the ideal situation, experts tell you. They say it’s a healthy habit to do ‘me first-me first’.
Me and my value system
“This is typically seen with people over the age of 40 years. Such people think the time is right for them to introspect whether they have compromised with their principles and basic value system. For instance, if you’re the law abiding righteous sorts who has over time given in to corruption (jumping a red light, bribing a policeman to get out of a quandary) then you may feel that you’ve compromised with your own belief system. While it’s fine to deal with personal monsters, one shouldn’t get too bogged down with them,” Jitendra Nath Bohra, a Bangalore-based psychologist, tells you. Bohra has recently submitted a proposal which deals with how one can maintain a healthy and sustaining relationship with oneself.
For 39-year-old Neeti Thakur, the realisation came early. “We had gone to a popular restaurant for a meal to celebrate our anniversary. Because it was packed, we had a waiting of 25 minutes. I had this sudden urge to jump the queue. A quick call to the manager and our seat was ready in five minutes. Midway to dinner, my husband said, ‘I can’t believe you’re the same Neeti who used to be the voice against favouritism at one point’. That night, I couldn’t sleep well trying to come to terms with the person I had become,” Thakur says.
She isn’t the only one who faces this crisis every now and then. “Many of my patients come with this complaint. They start questioning their inner self. They find it difficult to cope with what they have become or what society has made them. This isn’t a problem. It’s only a state of mind. It’s a good thing that you’ve started questioning yourself. That’s the only remedy,” Bohra says.
Me and my space
The next common guilt factor that comes to light while exploring relationship with self is whether you’re giving time to yourself. Are you doing enough for that or have you let personal self take a backseatIJ “Contrary to belief, more men come with complaints regarding space than the fairer sex. Men find themselves in a spot, especially whenever they’re in a relationship (it generally worsens with marriage and fatherhood).
They feel they aren’t giving enough time to their self. This is also a mind condition that can be dealt by doing little things. First, remove any doubt in your mind that indulging in yourself is bad. If you’re a father, or a mother, doesn’t mean your life has stopped. Balance is a key word here,” Dr Geetanjali Sharma, relationship experts says. She tells you that in
many cases, she had to convince parents that it was okay if they went out for a movie together without taking their children.
Sharma says, psychologically, ‘under-indulgence’ with self can have serious repercussions, depression being the worst fallout. “It’s like you’ve put your own self in solitary confinement — you can’t do this, that and the other. It doesn’t have to be that way. Each person needs a breathing space for himself/herself and not allowing that can have a huge number of side-effects,” Sharma says.
Me and compromises
It’s a fact that we value other relationships much more than we value ourselves. But, does this compromise end somewhereIJ “There is nothing wrong in making a compromise when one is in a relationship. But like everything else, there is a balance here too. You can’t and shouldn’t forget your own wants,” Dr Abhishek Garg, senior consultant psychiatrist with VIMHANS, says. He tells you that this relationship with self is probably the most important one that needs to be kept intact. Other things are subsidiary.
Anita lokhande, a Maharashtrian vegetarian Brahmin, didn’t think twice before cooking meat and fish for her Bengali husband. It was a part and parcel of marriage, she kept telling herself. But when she was asked to give up being a vegetarian, she raised a hue and cry. lokhande knew where to draw the line. But there are many others who don’t consider themselves that important. “If I don’t expect my husband to change his food preferences, why should I do it myselfIJ It is a small thing but it matters. It isn’t healthy to push yourself into a corner. Because then, when you go in for damage control, it may be too late,” lokhande says, summing it up aptly.