Infidelity is as old as the institution of marriage and it is not just the men now who are crossing the line. Even women are straying. Counsellors tell SHAlINI SAKSENA that it is not just working women who are having extra-marital affairs, homemakers too are on the lookout
When 37-year-old Ritu Sharma confessed to having an extra-marital affair, no one was more surprised than her husband. Ritu, after all, was an epitome of what an Indian wife should be — a perfect homemaker who never gave any reason to her husband Rohit to even get angry with her. Whatever he needed was rushed to him. His clothes were always ironed. Hot food was served to him for every meal. She would wait up for him. Their only child was well-looked after. And, the in-laws were all praise for her, telling friends and relatives that everybody should have a daughter-in-law like Ritu.
However, once in a while, Ritu started having an off-day. Rohit could feel her emotional disconnect. Thinking this was due to stress of household chores, he took her to a counsellor. It was during one of these sessions that Ritu confessed to being in an extra-marital relationship.
Counsellors tell you that there is no profile of what kind of a woman can stray in a marriage. They say, not just working women but also longtime home-makers are now stepping out and seeking opportunities for newer relationships while staying in a marriage.
“When it comes to an extra-marital affair, there are no typical traits that will tell us who will stray and who won’t. It’s all about opportunity. Whether it’s a man or a woman, if there’s a gap between a husband and wife’s relationship, the chances of either of them having an affair is almost 100 per cent,” Dr Nishu Shukla, a marriage counsellor with The Counselling Institute, New Delhi, says.
She also tells you that physical intimacy plays a big role though, in India, the affair often starts of with emotional bonding. “Women don’t cheat for the sake of sex. It’s secondary for them. The No 1 reason they cheat is because they are looking for an emotional connect which is lacking in their marriage. The sex part comes later. It isn’t just about having fun,” Dr Nishu says. Today’s woman, she adds, is well-educated and aware of what is happening around her. She meets people, she has opinions and wants to explore herself.
“A woman longs for her man to see her for what she is and not merely as a mother of his children or a bahu or someone who looks after his home. In such a situation, if she finds a man who sees and appreciates her as a woman, she gets swayed. Also, if a woman is in an abusive relationship with her husband, the chances that she will form a bond with another man increase,” Nishu says.
Meera Sharma’s is a case in point. The 26-year-old was in a relationship with her husband since Class IX. The families approved of the match and when the two reached a marriageable age, they got engaged. This is when her husband Abhishek Sharma started beating her up. Meera broke off the engagement and started seeing another man in her office. But her parents intervened and she was forced to marry Abhishek. From day one, their relationship was rocky. Abhishek thrashed her when she refused to consummate the marriage. This drove her into the arms of the ‘other man’ who was very sympathetic to her plight. One thing led to the other and the two became intimate.
“I never confessed that I had a physical relationship with this man. I only said that he was my confidant. While he wanted to marry me, social pressure and the stigma of divorce held me back. Now, I’ve reconciled to the situation,” Meera tells you.
Agrees Sumati Kanwar Chauhan, counsellor and consultant psychologist with smaritan.in. “There are many issues that keep a woman in a marriage despite the extra-marital affair. Social pressures, log kya kahengeIJ, the fact that divorce is still considered a blot and what will happen to the children makes the woman stay put. The fact that there is no commitment in the other relationship is another reason why women remain married. There are many cases where the woman cares for the husband and yet strays. This is because these women don’t get what they are looking for despite the fact that the husband is caring,” Chauhan tells you, adding that out for every 10 women who come to her with an extra-marital affair issue, eight are working women. The new word for a man having an affair with a married woman in office is ‘corporate spouse’.
Experts say that more and more women are spending many hours in office and working in close proximity with men for 10 to 12 hours. They eat together, work on the same projects and travel together as well. In such a situation, chances of emotional bonding are high. “From here on, one thing leads to another. Usually, women don’t have an extra-marital affair intentionally. They don’t do it out of revenge or the fact that if a man can have an affair why can’t ‘I’. Women fall for the ‘I understand your plight’. They feel that here is a man who recognises their problem,” Chauhan explains. But she is quick to point out that a husband alone can’t be blamed if a woman is having an extra-marital affair. Both husband and wife are at fault.
However, Mumbai-based matrimonial lawyer Mrunalini Deshmukh has a different take on this. Extra-marital affairs often start when the woman is unhappy in the marriage. “Though there are many reasons behind married women straying, the main is the absence of warmth and the vacuum in a wife’s life. Also, one has to keep in mind that an extra-marital affair doesn’t necessarily lead to a physical relationship. It could be a strong emotional dependence that a married woman may develop for another man. Of course, there are some women who have an affair for fun as these women are flirtatious. But there are few such women,” Deshmukh says.
(Some names have been changed to protect identity)
WHY WOMEN CHEAT
nStatistically, women don't cheat for the sake of sex. It's of secondary concern for them. The No 1 reason why they cheat is for an emotional connection. And this is particularly true of women over the age of 30
nIn more than a few instances, women won't even cheat physically. They will carry on emotional affairs where they'll fall in love and experience emotional intimacy with a man, while never taking it to the physical level. It's these types of affairs that can continue on for years, without ever being detected, and often leaving a wake of destruction in their path
nStudies have found that in long-term relationships, women, whether they work outside of the house or not, often find themselves ‘shut out’ emotionally. Over 70 per cent of women are still the primary caregivers for their children while also being the cook and the maid whether or not they have a full or part-time job. This leaves them precious little time for themselves to foster a woman's natural urge to grow emotionally. An urge typical ignored by men whose primary interest is physical contact
nThus, the longing for a man who can ‘see who they really are’ begins. And in the weeks, months or even years that follow, they will usually find such a man — or think they've found one. An interesting point to note is that a woman needs an ‘emotional bonding’. Affairs initiated by women generally last three times long than those initiated by men
— Source Infidelity Facts website.