You would think 60 plus is the age for rebonding — the time when couples — even the warring ones — get dependent on one another. Not really. Geriatric experts tell you that old men deserting their respective wives after decades of marriage is not uncommon. DEEBASHREE MOHANTY brings you some such stories of trauma at a ripe old age
There was nothing peculiar about Anand’s activities over the past week. He came back from his morning and evening walks, complained about the tea not being to his liking, took a list for the grocery shop and as usual indulged in that occasional masala pan, a strict no-no for him. But that day, in June, he appeared tense. I have been with Anand for 40 years now, so a little tension on his brow can’t go past me and it didn’t. When I asked him what the matter was, he said: ‘Nothing, some work needs to be done, that’s all.’ I let it be, knowing that Anand couldn’t hide his tensions from me for long. He would spill the beans, maximum by dinner time.
On the table was his favourite chicken stew and tawa roti. I knew he prefers rice but Anand is a diabetic who has often been rushed to hospital with high levels of sugar. That takes a toll on me, both physically and emotionally. At the dining table, he was rather quiet. Only after he finished his roti, did he speak — and he took my breath away. ‘I don’t think we should live together any more. This marriage is over. I have been meeting Malika secretly and now, we want to formalise this thing’, he said. I thought he was joking but Anand had all papers ready. He handed me a file of our house papers, the car being transferred to my name, life insurance documents and a divorce notice (duly signed by him). He moved in with Malika to our Greater Noida farmhouse, the next day.
This is the diary account of lata Garg (63) who now lives alone in her East Delhi residence. After 38 years of marriage, her husband, a retired bureaucrat, moved in with a woman much younger than him (Malika is 51, he 68). Anand and Malika met at a shopping mall and grew close. The Gargs have two daughters and three grandchildren. “My eldest daughter Pooja, a lecturer in Delhi University, is living with me for now. She will shift out very soon. More than angry, I feel defeated, lost,” lata says, teary-eyed. Theirs was a love marriage and it was Anand who had proposed to her. “He was always an impatient man. When we started our courtship period, Anand kept insisting that we get married and have children. He is a doting father and a caring grandad,” she says.
However for his 34-year-old daughter Pooja things will never be the same again. The relationship she shared with her father is gone. Her younger sister Reena (30) too is unable to come to terms with this split. “We are embarrassed and hurt. This is no age for a man to leave his wife and move in with a much younger woman. I have utmost regard for my father but it’s all gone now, this is so shameful,” Pooja says. For Reena, who has an MBA degree from Houston, this move by her father is unbelievable and she says it is unheard of even in the US. “My father has been a strict disciplinarian and taught us to value relationships. He inspired us to be independent individuals. How could he have taken such a drastic stepIJ,” Reena, who recently married an industrialist, wonders aloud.
There are many senior couples like the Gargs who have split late in life and shattered their respective families. “People moving on and taking hasty decisions at this age may surprise you but it is not a new phenomenon. More often than not, senior citizens reach a stage in life where they want to live life on their own whims and fancies. They tend to become selfish and are easily manipulated. Such people think they are experienced enough to not make any wrong decision. Also, they have no inhibitions at their age,” Shanti Das, a family counsellor from Gurgaon, says. She tells you that in her career spanning 15 years, she has dealt with 30 per cent cases where the man at 60 plus wants to re-marry just to get that adventure back into his life. “Sex plays an important role but it also is about the thrill of a fresh relationship,” she adds.
While most sexagenarians who decide to move on to a different companion make sure that their wife doesn’t suffer financially, there are others, especially in the rural set-up, pay no heed to social norms. Take Chameli Devi and her 64-year-old husband Suresh Singh, for instance. Hailing from a dusty village in western UP, Singh and Devi were a happy couple till another woman came along.
“He wants to leave me because of that woman. He buys her flowers and sweets and does things for her which he never did for me in 40 years of our marriage. What irks me the most is that he is doing all these things at age 64 when he should be taking me to pilgrimages,” Chameli says, adding that everyone in the village, including her four children, have shunned Singh but that hasn’t deterred or reformed him. “All he wants is to live with that woman. I had heard about the romance between filmstars Rekha and Amitabh Bachchan. But that’s them. If there be any truth in these tales, I sympathise and feel for Jaya Bachchan,” Chameli Devi says, sobbing.
But how does this late age meandering affect the womenIJ “It is an unbearable shock for such women, something that not many can recover from. If divorce is the only way out, the transition should be done smoothly. You don’t want her to get into a trauma. It is advisable to have the talk with children so that they, too, understand the implications. And it is up to her husband to make it sound and feel as less bitter as possible,” Sangeeta Sivan, an oldage counsellor, says. Sivan owns a shelter home for the elderly in Delhi and she says there are a quite a few old women who have been deserted by their husbands at that ripe age. “Mostly, they are more broken than angry. They feel helpless but thankfully they have their children to support them,” Sivan tells you.
She says that dealing with a husband who keeps straying is difficult for a wife at any age. But it becomes most embarrassing and hurtful, if the couple has spent a decade or so together.
Take the case of Atul Bansal, a successful businessman from the outskirts of Mumbai. After 10 years of marriage, his wife Shakuntala discovered that he was having an affair with another woman who lived in the same colony. Taking this to be just a phase, Shakuntala let matters be. “By then, I already had two daughters to fend for. He may not be a great husband but Atul was a good father. He left us for that woman and was away for 10 years. I had no choice but to just let it be. At least my children had a father’s name on paper, I told myself. Mera kya hai... my life was over the moment Atul told me that he had found another companion,” Shakuntala recalls.
Today, her daughters are all grown up and well educated but they miss their father. “Atul came back to me after 10 years and so pitiable was his state that I had to forgive him for what he had done to me and our children. He was suffering from renal failure, perhaps due to excessive drinking. I decided to donate my kidney so that Atul could live. We started our life afresh but that happy period didn’t last long. He started cheating on me again. He had found yet another woman to go to. I am disgusted but can’t leave him. My daughters are very close to him and they need a father,” Shakuntala says.
Although Shakuntala may be a lonely soul she has done everything possible to ensure that her daughters don’t bear the brunt of a marriage gone horribly wrong. As for her husband, he is gone again — sends her a money order every month!
(With an input by Manjari Singh)