Understanding the Rude Child: A Word to Parents

Author: DAIV

A rude child is often telling us something, in the only words he or she has.

Our tradition does not ask parents to respond to rudeness with rudeness or give in to it. It asks for something wiser, which depends on the child's age. A verse attributed to Chanakya says: "Lalayet pancha varshani, dasha varshani tadayet; prapte tu shodashe varshe putram mitravad acharet." Shower love in the first five years. In the next ten, guide with firmness, so that the child learns limits. When the child turns sixteen, treat him or her as a friend. The word "tadayet" literally means to chastise, but its spirit today is firm and steady training, not harshness.

The Gita gives parents a rule for every difficult conversation: "Anudvegakaram vakyam satyam priya-hitam cha yat" (17.15). Speak so that you do not agitate, speak truthfully, speak pleasantly, and speak for the listener's good. The Taittiriya Upanishad records a teacher's farewell words to his students: "Whatever good conduct you see in us, follow that." Children follow what they see more than what they are told. If we want gentle speech from them, our own tone at home is the first lesson. Behind a rude reply there is often tiredness, fear, shame or a longing to be heard.

Today, when your child is rude, wait for three breaths before answering. Reply with one sentence that is true, kind and useful, and later, in a calm moment, ask what was behind the outburst.