A teenager fails in the exams, jumps from a high rise building and commits suicide. A young girl is depressed at her workplace and takes anti-depressants. A newly married couple getting angry and arguing continuously apply for divorce and so on. We hear of such news almost daily now.
Why does a person get so emotionally unstable so as to get stressed and take drastic stepsij The answer lies in his emotional well-being and coping skills. Emotional stability and well-being is the need of the hour for all of us so that that we can apply it on ourselves and teach it to our children to lead a stress free, happy, and productive life.
Since time immemorial, it was the concept of Intelligence Quotient (IQ) which gave us importance and we decided who was more intelligent based on this criterion.
IQ is a number representing a person's reasoning ability (measured using problem-solving tests) as compared to the statistical norm or average for their age, taken as 100. Automatically, we assumed that the higher the IQ score a person has, the more would be the success rate of that individual. However, a high IQ score did not involve the emotional wellbeing of the person and it was seen that emotional well-being played a very crucial role in the success of every individual. It was also seen that Emotional Intelligence cannot be so easily measured as IQ because of lack of authentic data and facts, so we always relied on IQ to decide success in schools or in workplaces.
We are emotional beings and we often take decisions based on our emotions. Therefore, the concept of Emotional Quotient (EQ) evolved which has an impact on all our relationships and behaviour. In fact, some research states that emotional intelligence is responsible for 58 per cent of your job performance and that 90 per cent of top performers have high EQ. The EQ measures the level of a person's emotional intelligence, often as represented by a score in a standardised test.
What exactly is Emotional Intelligenceij
It is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically. It also includes the capability of individuals to recognise the emotions of others. Another definition of emotional intelligence (as first advanced by researchers Peter Salavoy and John Mayer) is the ability to “Recognise, understand and manage our own emotions. Recognise, understand and influence the emotions of others. In practical terms, this means being aware that emotions can drive our behaviour and impact people (positively and negatively), and learning how to manage those emotions—both our own and others—especially when we are under pressure.”
Parents are more concerned about the scores or marks their children get and feel that this is the only criterion that will lead them to the road to success. However this has not proven to be very true. Many a time the most intelligent students are found to be the most stressed. It does not always stand true that high achievers will excel in their workplace and it is time that we learn and teach our children certain other qualities which will make them emotionally healthy and intelligent. These qualities will ensure their success and happiness in their future endeavours.
Some of these qualities can be enumerated as:
Empathy– It is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing or feeling. It is the capacity to place oneself in another’s position. Children should be taught to be empathetic and compassionate. Ego is the antidote to empathy and it makes children angry, argumentative and depressed which is a low EQ.Empathy is a positive trait while ego is a negative quality.
Adaptability- Being adaptable and mingling with people and adjusting favorably to new circumstances is a sign of high EQ. This is a very important trait and should be learnt as a priority. People cut off from society, alone, aloof, are people who have a low EQ. “Adaptability is not imitation. It means power of (internal) resistance and assimilation.” Mahatma Gandhi.
Self-Awareness– It is how we see ourselves, our behavior and also how we perceive others to see us. Once we are able to analyse ourselves we know the areas where we need to improve ourselves and be a better person.
*Interest and Curiosity- The old saying that curiosity killed the cat does not carry much weight today. There is a saying-“Show me a curious person who’s willing to learn and improve, and I’ll show you a success story waiting to happen.” When you’re curious, you’re interested and passionate about learning, and when you’re passionate you are motivated to want to be and do your best.
*Positive Thinking- We should nurture positive belief systems and be mindful and in the present moment. Our beliefs give rise to our thoughts. Positive thinking is the key to a high EQ.
*Needs and Wants-An emotionally intelligent person is able to discern between things that they ‘need’ and things that they ‘want’. ‘Wants’ depend on our desires, something we consider good to have. The more irrational the wants–more is the stress and hence a lower EQ. A ‘need’, in the context of Abraham Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs” is the need to survive, hunger, be safe etc.
* Optimism- Optimistic people are more resilient and happy and have a higher EQ. “When we are happy—when our mindset and mood are positive—we are smarter, more motivated, and thus more successful. Happiness is the center, and success revolves around it.”ij—ijShawn Achor
*Desire to Help Others- An emotionally intelligent person is interested in helping others succeed as much as helping himself to do so too.
*Self-Motivated- A person with high EQ is driven by his passion and motivation to gather all resources internal and external, perform well and reach his destination or goals.
*Communication- last but not the least is learning the art of good communication. A person with high EQ knows what to say, when to say it and most important how to say it. Parents should talk and listen to their children and allow them to speak and talk.
(The author is a neuro-psyhologist, CBSE counsellor and founder of Pari Foundation)