We all have this one special person with whom we must share secrets, problems or thoughts immediately as they occur. That person also has that one special person and so on and so forth. Within a day’s time, the matter has spread across people and also countries as the world has become a global village with internet and telephone access.
What have we achieved in the processIJ Nothing much except projecting ourselves as vulnerable and not able to solve our problems and dramatising the matter with everyone adding their views like in the Chinese Whisper game where the essence is lost.
What is secret and sacrosanct to me becomes a gossip across the globe due to the multiplier effect. Our sharing has two purposes; one is to lighten the burden on us and the second is to get an opinion. It has been said that two heads are better than one while sorting out a problem. If we check after a couple of days, we find that the secret or problem is still nagging us from a corner of the mind which means it has not left us.
The advice that we have got is also not satisfactory, and we are tempted to ask a few more people which will leave us completely confused. How can the other person give a solution where his involvement is zeroIJ
Therefore, I myself will have to provide a solution as I have a stake in the entire matter and have to believe that my opinion is the best and there is no need to share the problem with anyone.
How do we do thisIJ
Debate with yourself: This practice is quite common with successful people as their positions don’t allow them to reveal much. On a light stomach, seat yourself in a relaxed position in an armchair or lie down in the bed and start analysing the problem and the possible solution.
Check out the possible solutions and the pros and cons of each until you come down to the most satisfactory one. You will have to play both the sides as sometimes a chess player does from both sides. You will have to put yourself in more than one role to solve the issue. For example, if it’s a problem between you as a father and your son regarding some property sharing then mentally you will have to play both roles.
It will not be difficult as you have also been a son to someone earlier. You will have to think as a father and a son and debate for sometime before finally finding a win-win solution.
Write on a paper: If you cannot debate mentally, take a pen and paper and start writing the possible alternatives subsequent to which please start noting down the pros and cons of each alternative. Then, go on to select the best option for everyone. Sometimes, the best option may not be a win-win one but may go on to support you alone. Take it as the best one for you.
Speak with a neutral person: If the aforesaid methods fail then we may have to speak with someone to find it or just to keep the secret safe with someone. Only neutral persons like an official mentor, counsellor or spiritual guide may keep a matter safe and may give the best advice as they are not involved in the issue.
It is much better than sharing with friends, relatives and peer groups as is usually done. These people may give a biased viewpoint as they may have a stake in the matter. A neutral person will be able to give a balanced viewpoint. However, keep this as the last resort; always try to solve the matter yourself.
Keep it to yourself: If the matter is something which doesn’t call for any solution but at the same time calls for being shared then you can try to keep it to yourself. When you know that only the burden will be lightened if you speak about it but only you can solve the problem then it’s best to avoid speaking to anyone.
The tendency for sharing is inversely proportionate to time. But if I think that I will share after a week, I will feel a huge burden on myself. So, the best way is to sleep over the isuue. It delays the matter by twenty-four hours.
Keep on delaying by one day at a time. You will find that the matter has become insignificant after a week’s time. Most of the troubles are created when we immediately dial someone and start sharing or go online to do the same.
It’s important that we overcome this and delay that call or message. We do this knowing very well that the person at the other end cannot do anything beyond making some soothing remarks. But that person may pass on the information to others or may forward your email. Most of the conflicts within a family, be it of husband and wife or in- laws, start with this kind of intervention.
Gossip trap: When we have a general conversation with a friend and he complains about his children’s or wife’s behaviour and secrets then immediately we have a tendency to disclose ours for no reason but as part of the gossip process.
This is a very common phenomenon. The dynamics of our family become public knowledge and a topic for gossip among friends. Our views also tend to become coloured and we become unnecessarily aggressive in handling our family issues.
We have to be on guard while interacting with friends, and the best way is to change the topic and mould the conversation towards impersonal topics which won’t harm anyone. It is sure that imbibing such practices will go a long way in creating a happy mind and a healthy body.
(sikta_pati@rediffmail.com)