Good relations require unburdened expectations
Human relationships are infinitely complex and tricky to manage. They need immense patience, understanding, acceptance, acknowledgement and engagement. Most of us may have had this experience, where a very close and loving relationship with some friend or a dear one went completely sour. The relationship that lasted for years suddenly ended.
While one keeps on wondering and thinking about reasons for such sad events that lower one’s self esteem, one forgets to do a simple self-check as to what was my fault? Where did I go wrong? As a result of this, one starts blaming the opposite person and the bitterness in heart keeps on increasing day by day, leaving no scope for reconciliation.
There is a well-known saying, ‘we see things not as they are but as we are’. While our physical eyes see everything and everyone the same way, it is actually thoughts and feelings that accompany the act of seeing, which form an impression in the mind about what we are seeing. So, if our feelings are light and pure, we feel the same way about everything we see. On the other hand, if we are in a negative frame of mind, we might perceive things negatively.
It’s a known fact that when we easily develop bad feelings or negative attitudes towards others then we see and keep thinking about their faults. In fact, most of us are well experienced in this, aren’t we? The simplest thing to get out of this is that, we only need to think about the things that we like in that person, and soon our feelings would start changing.
In short, focusing our mind on positive qualities automatically frees us from negativity. Just as we choose the food which will enter our stomach, or people who will enter our house, we should very well choose what will enter our minds. So, if someone behaves badly, I don't have to keep this image of him/her in my mind. I can actively choose to keep in mind some good behaviour by the same person in the past, because everyone has at least one quality for me to concentrate on.
Most people are caught up in their own lives and their problems, which for them are big issues. But if we look at the larger picture, we realize that what we spend so much of our time and energy on is really a trifle in the journey of our life, and even more insignificant in relation to events unfolding on the huge stage of the world, or the universe.
Hence, we must try and pick up whatever positive virtue we can, from anyone who comes in our contact. Ultimately, it is something that’s going to contribute to our own growth. This kind of positive attitude changes our consciousness from a limited one to an unlimited one. Remember, it is up to us whether to have a universal attitude towards everything or a narrow attitude to make our life miserable. It is up to us as to how we take the little inconveniences we face in daily life or the problems that crop up in relationships.
Such an attitude helps us remain stable in the face of all the challenges. It also helps others around us. Lastly, there is one question we all could ask ourselves every night which would certainly contribute to forming better relationships: What did I give from my heart to anyone today? Remember, better relationships will result if we give the best and take the best.
(The author is a spiritual teacher.)