Building healthy relationships may come with its share of baggage and effort, however, it is worth it all, writes CHANDNI TUGNAIT, as she suggests ways to make it work
Relationships are significant to all of us as the quality of our lives is defined by the people we surround ourselves with. Everything, from anxiety to the likelihood of obesity and stress, passes through our relationships and network. So, what is this secret ingredient of a good relationship? It’s what you place in your heart — your feelings and your love for someone else. When you take away all the other things like trust and commitment, feelings are the final piece in making a relationship strong. Emotional mastery, clarity of expression, conflict resolution skills and vulnerability are key features in building deep connections.
While there are many bonds that one builds and nurtures in life but there’s one that deserves a special mention today, on the occasion of Raksha Bandhan, and that’s the one between a brother and a sister. For most, this bond has traces of love, anger, hatred, irritation, protection, comparison, judgment, fights, favours, secrets, or a combination of these as experienced during different phases of life. What truly keeps this connect in place is the deep knowing that they have one another as a constant in a world driven by change. The culture, the values while growing up, the personalities, memories together, predictable patterns, sharing and empathy, all contribute to the quality of this bond.
Deep down, every individual has the need for love and support and its best when it comes from the sibling who they know will stand by their side, no matter what. Also, this is one of the longest bonds in one’s life and hence cherished deeply. Interestingly, brotherhood and sisterhood have one of the strongest impacts in shaping one’s life and choices, psychologically. The impact of this relationship echoes through the rest of our lives. It is as important as the one we have with our parents.
As we form other bonds in our lives, we carry forward the impressions and patterns from these most impactful relationships with our siblings and parents. Relationships add value to our existence and make life worthwhile. The bonds that we form with people can be emotional, intellectual, physical, social, cultural, spiritual, romantic, intimate, supportive, collaborative, fun or sometimes toxic/forced.
These bonds can either grow stronger or wither away; depends on our awareness and if we are investing a part of us in figuring out how can we mutually contribute to make the relationship thrive and not just survive?
Over 80% of events, in the current scenario, with the threat of the third wave lurking around, are the stories that get us to feel sad, negative, angry or fearful. The global health crisis, rapidly shifting economy and our own negative baggage has had a huge bearing on our relationships.
Relationships between neighbours have either strengthened or weakened during this time period depending upon how much hardship has been endured together. Relationships at work have also witnessed a shift due to pandemic-related stress with supervisors/bosses and subordinates getting closer owing to their need for each other. Some relationships at work have become weaker in cases where one party has been more demanding while the other is feeling overwhelmed. Likewise, relationships between coworkers have strengthened as people find solace talking about similar experiences with others who are also struggling.
Relationships between children and parents have been impacted at an interpersonal level by the pandemic because of the drastic changes in habits and activities during this time period. Relationships between friends have also transformed for a variety of reasons, though, it’s possible that they might get closer over time as people rely more heavily on one another — just like relationships at work where supervisors/bosses may become close with their subordinates who are working hard to help them out in tough situations.
The relationships that are mostly wedged at an interpersonal level by the pandemic are the ones with the significant others or spouses. While there has been support pouring in from many areas (some of which we didn’t even know existed), the major steam is being felt in the closest relationships. Research confirms that there has been a significant rise in separation and divorce cases in the last year and a half owing to the unprecedented conditions the pandemic got us into.
It is normal for relationships to change as time goes by. Sometimes people grow apart from each other, move away or die — but during this difficult time period in history when our world is changing so rapidly due to the pandemic, many relationships are altering just because of what’s going on around us at any given moment (or day). Some relationships are getting more intimate than ever before because people need someone to talk to, while many others are becoming distant and cold as a result of the strain on their relationships. The enhanced turmoil in relationships in present times is natural as most people are working from home and are forced to spend more time with each other than ever before. The pressure at home and at work is immense, leading to emotional breakdown, stress, anger, frustration, fear and anxiety and invariably the people closest to us, have to face the brunt of it all.
Relationships are quite important for our mental health — they help us feel loved and needed by other people when we’re going through difficulties in life that might be too much for us. Relationships give meaning to so many facets of life and without them there would only be anxiety-filled days with no relief from feeling lonely, isolated or just like nobody really cares about what’s happening around us.
Apart from the uncertainties brought in by the pandemic, the unhealthy relationship habits are central to the issue at hand. We often view our partners as assets instead of someone to share mutual emotional support with. With a lack of coping skills and with mismatched expectations on the rise, there is gloom, trauma, nagging, sulking, bickering and chaos in many intimate relationships. Recent research confirms that in India, the cases of separation, divorce and domestic violence have shown a stark increase after the pandemic/lockdown; the increase in these cases is by about 68%, if not more.
Relationships at work may also change depending on how much stress you are under. Relationships between significant others can always change over time for a variety of reasons, whether the relationship is going through difficult times or not — but it’s possible that relationships get stronger with people relying more heavily on each other as they go through tough times together. The relationship dynamics need to be based more on healthy giving and receiving instead of controlling and hurting. Love, compassion, appreciation, gratitude and authenticity go a long way in building a strong foundation in any relationship.
With a rise in strained relationships, it is imperative we focus on taking responsibility and nurturing relationships instead of allowing it all to collapse. Even when times change, the one inherent thing we all look for is love and acceptance. It is pertinent to work on our own triggers and our own relationship with self, in order to be available for others who we are in relationship with. Some ways in which we can make the relationships more about “us” and “our” instead of “you” or “me” are:
SELF-REFLECTION: Take time and reflect on your emotional triggers from a particular moment, before you lash out on your partner or significant other. Often, we feel upset over the stories we create in our head based on assumptions, judgements, comparisons and previous points of reference instead of the actual event. Quit the blame game and process your emotions before you express or respond to others.
SET BOUNDARIES: Be authentic and use effective yet respectful communication to ask for space when you are looking for ‘me-time’. Stick to the boundaries you set and respect others’ boundaries too. Learn not to overcommit, help when you can and say no to things you can’t take up. These help in setting the right expectations and help in cultivating healthy relationships.
SPEND TIME TOGETHER: Cement your connection through tasks, activities, rituals and experiences that you can do together. On days you don’t find enough time, find small happy moments for connection — it could be eating meals together or even going to bed at the same time. Make your relationship a priority by spending quality time together while keeping all other tasks and even cellphones away. Research shows that around 52% of people complain about their partners being distracted by their cellphones while conversing with them. Be mindful of the same, offer deep commitment and truly be present in the moment with your loved ones.
LISTEN TO ‘CONNECT’ AND NOT TO ‘CONTROL’: Whether it is difficult unwarranted behavior or erratic emotions, listen to your partner in order to connect, understand and to hold the space for them by being present. Listening to others and then bombarding them with forced suggestions, ‘right and wrong’ judgements, sarcasm, blaming or nagging and exerting control, lead to a disconnection and the person begins to hide their true feelings and thoughts. This can create ripples of fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, blame, anger, sadness, frustration, impatience and insensitivity in the relationship as well.
SHARE, DON’T SUFFER: Often, when people go through difficult times, they try to endure it in silence as they try to figure out the solutions on their own. Whether it is financial crisis or an emotional one, share it with your partner; let them know what is happening in your life instead of suffering and snapping. Even if they can’t help you, they will be able to hold a safe space to comfort you as you decipher your way out. This helps in strengthening trust in relationships and building strong connections.
BE MINDFUL OF THE LANGUAGE: Your language, tone and pitch along with the nonverbal cues, influence your partner’s response and behavior. Be mindful of the language you use with them. Is your language respectful, encouraging, uplifting and compassionate?
TAKE OWNERSHIP: Every person is different in their communication styles, behavior patterns and coping mechanisms. When we truly accept our imperfections and vulnerabilities, we operate from the space of true connection and hence, pave the way for a healing relationship. Constant justifications, distorting facts, jumping to conclusions, amplifying the problems, feeling like a victim, complaining and bickering lead to emotional confusion that damages the relationship further.
AVOID COMPARISONS: Develop your own relationships based on what works for you, as a couple. Comparisons with other couples are toxic as they trap us into a lack mindset thereby causing resentment towards our partner. Practice gratitude, develop ways to nurture each other, focus on what’s working instead of what isn’t and celebrate all big and small moments together.
AVOID QUESTIONING THE RELATIONSHIP: Having issues doesn’t mean the relationship itself is a problem. Don’t question your partner’s love or intent as it rips off trust and compassion from the relationship. Communicate your needs and find ways to make things work in a blissful environment instead of attacking each other and concluding that nothing will ever work.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF: Give yourself credit for doing the best you can instead of criticising, judging and complaining. Practice self-compassion and indulge in self-care to keep your mind rejuvenated. Focus on the big picture — enabling your relationship to thrive while leading a healthy and fulfilling life. Build bridges, don’t burn them.
SEEK HELP: In case of extreme conflict and lack of coping skills, seek support from an expert who can enable you to see things from a clear perspective, both as individuals as well as a couple. This helps in building support, clear communication, trust, respect, boundaries and strengthening relationships. This also contributes to overall physical, mental and emotional wellbeing.
Building healthy relationships may come with its share of baggage and effort, however, it is worth it all. Even the most estranged partners can be united through conscious effort and love as the underlying forces. Use the ‘show, don’t tell’ approach in your relationships — show the love and care in your actions and not just your words. Reaffirm commitment, surprise your partner and most importantly, be available for them. Our interactions with self and others influence the quality of our relationships so focus on the same as you create loving relationships around.
The writer is a renowned Psychotherapist & the founder of Gateway of Healing and Life Artistry