A distraught student of Class X came to see me for psychotherapy. He told me, that after the Xth examination results were declared, his school principal called him and told him that his marks were not good enough for him to get the subjects of his choice for the XIth class, and he should either opt for other subjects or get himself transferred to another school. The young boy was in tears when he narrated all this to me. All his dreams of becoming an engineer had been shattered. He felt so disillusioned that he wanted to give up studying further. He could not understand how the school authorities could be so cruel enough to deny him the subjects he wanted to take and tell him so suddenly that he was no good and suggest that he should get transferred to another school. He felt shattered. He had been a regular student he told me, never missed any classes and had studied hard for his exams. He loved his school very much, where he had studied since his childhood and had taken part in many cultural and academic activities. Now the same school authorities wanted him to leave! Shock and despair were writ large on the faces of the son and his father, who had also accompanied him. I could see that the young boy was emotionally shattered, very stressed and in very low self-esteem. He was on the verge of depression.

The damage done by our well-meaning ‘Education System’ on the young, impressionable mind was evident! Instead of encouraging him and appreciating his efforts and achievements, they had highlighted the fact that he was a failure and hurt him emotionally.The boy had lost all hope and his self-esteem had plummeted below zero. The need of the hour was for the child to regain his belief in himself and his abilities, which would provide emotional nourishment for his drowned self-esteem. He needed parental support, love and reassurance that he was not to blame for the callousness shown by the school. He needed someone to tell him that he was a good student and had worked hard and done well and to show him the light at the end of the tunnel. He needed reassurance that all would be well again.

The way parents talk to their children becomes their inner voice.

Parental support is a must for our children at every step of their growth and for their mental and emotional wellbeing. It is a known and a tested fact that children are able to face all adversities in their life with the support and encouragement from their parents. It is seen that a child is never scared of his result or failures but he is scared of what his parents will say to him or feel, and many times it is this fear of rebuke from his parents which leads children to run away from home or end their lives after their results are declared.Parents are the most important people in a child’s life and they can make their children emotionally resilient by appreciating them, approving their efforts and helping them to boost their self-esteem.

What is self-esteemIJ

“It is self-respect or confidence in one's own worth or abilities.” Children should be taught not to doubt their worth at any cost and told, “What you think of yourself is much more important than what people think of you.”

It is a wake-up call for all parents today.They should teach their children how to nourish and keep their self-esteem high in the face of any challenges or adversities. They have to demonstrate to their children how to be emotionally strong and resilient and nourish their self esteem no matter what the circumstances may be. Emotional wellnessis a very important life skill and it is not being taught to the children either in the school or at home. This is the reason why some children are not able to cope up with the stressors and problems they face in life and end up being depressed. A high self-esteem is a very important ingredient of our emotional wellbeing.

Tips for nourishing your child’s self esteem:

* Tell them –“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”

* Never criticise or blame them. Appreciate them for their efforts even if they have failed. Encourage them to try again and tell them that you love them and are there for them—no matter what! This assurance works wonders for your child’s morale and builds up his self-esteem.

* Teach your children not to be critical of themselves or blame themselves.Teach them the right way of thinking-to practice mindfulness which means how to be in the present moment. Whenever they think of the past it should be of their past achievements, not failures. They should have a good opinion of themselves at all times.

* Children should be taught the art of ‘acceptance’ right from an early age—accepting that what has already happened and planning for the next move with a calm stable mind.

* Help your children to learn to identify their strengths and skills and work on them.Then they can show their abilities to others and gain appreciation.

* Teach them to practice gratitude. Write down at least three things they have every day.

* Teach them to focus on their efforts not on perfection. They should learn to appreciate the effort they have put in and try again, if they fail.

* View mistakes as learning opportunities.

* Teach them to avoid comparisons and not to invite any thoughts which make them feel inferior to someone else.

* Tell them that they are unique and they can excel in areas of their strengths.Help them to try different activities to get in touch with their talents.

* Exercise, eat and relax for a stable mind. A stable mind is always in high self-esteem.

(The writer is a neuro-psychologist, CBSE counsellor and founder of Pari Foundation)