Visits from in-laws can be quite daunting, moreso, if the daughter-in-law-mother-in-law relationship is walking a tightrope. SHAlINI SAKSENA speaks with counsellors to tell you how a mix of tact, love and indulgence can make the guest advent fun
For 29-year-old Ritu Aggarwal, a working professional, bi-annual visits from in-laws are something she looks forward to — but not without trepidation. Happy, because for the duration the stay of her in-laws, her son is not alone with the nanny. Apprehensive because it means that her mother-in-law will take control of running of the house — from deciding what is to be cooked for breakfast, lunch and dinner (despite Ritu having a detailed menu in place) to going on a frenzied cleaning spree, to rectifying the “mess” in the kitchen.
Dealing with in-laws in never easy. To maintain peace and a good relationship, counsellors opine that it is important to deal with the situation with tact, straightforwardness and a hint of self-preservation. Of course, that doesn’t mean the daughter-in-law has to be rude or disrespectful.
“Uncomfortable situations arising out of in-laws’ visit need to be handled with care. One can’t be rude to them but if the situations calls for firm dealing, it has to be done. The daughter-in-law needs to change her mindset for those days. After all, the in-laws are there only for a short time and they should be allowed to do what they want. This includes being tolerant towards the mother-in-law going into the kitchen and making a cup of tea or her son’s favourite dish,” Dr Geetanjali Sharma marriage & relationship counselor with familymarriagecounselling. com says.
The Gurgaon-based therapist also tells you that while this isn’t easy for the daughters-in-law. “One has to understand that most mothers-in-law, however educated, expect certain things from the bahu. Though it makes a homemaker to cater to in-laws’ needs, for a working woman, the going gets tough. “A working woman may not have the time and energy to look into nitty-gritties of running the house. Her priorities are different. Work pressure and changed lifestyle have altered the home structure today. If there is a baby, it means that the daughter-in-law’s energies are concentrated elsewhere. In such a scenario, when the in-laws come calling, getting prepared for the visit eases the unwarranted situations,” Dr Sharma advises.
So, asking the part-time domestic help to clean the house, preparing the room where the in-laws will stay, putting out fresh towels , getting up in the morning to give them a cup of tea, calling them from work and enquiring if all is well and if they need something from the market goes a long way in making their visit a memorable one for both sides.
For Nisha Sharma, the problem arises not because she has to get up early to give her in-laws tea. Her problem is when her husband takes off with his parents for hours on end. “I am sure that the only reason why my mother-in-law wants to go out alone with my husband is because she wants to bad mouth me. I do so much when they come visiting. I take them shopping, take them out for lunch over weekends and even get gifts for them. But my in-laws always want a day when they want to disappear with my husband,” Nisha tells you.
Counsellors tell you that when husbands spend time with parents, it’s not always about back-bitting. “It’s natural for a mother to want to spend time with her son. The daughter-in-law shouldn’t feel threatened. She should feel secure in the bond that she has with her husband. If the bond is strong, there is nothing that a mother-in-law can do to break it or weaken it,” Dr Sharma says.
Most counsellors tell you that it’s natural for in-laws to want to spend time with their son. The daughter-in-law needs to understand that her husband has many roles to play. “He’s a professional, a husband, a father and a son. He has to give each role equal weightage. Any interference in the mother-son relationship is seen as a threat by the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. But here the bahu needs to be a little more mature and not read too much into the fact that her in-laws want to hog his time,” Sumati Kanwar Chauhan, counsellor with Smaritan Counselling Services, says.
She also tells you that the daughter-in-law needs to prepare herself for the visit. Any emotional baggage left from the previous visit needs to be shed immediately.
“It does no good if the daughter-in-law keeps thinking about what happened during the last visit. It only leads to more problems. But this doesn’t mean that she should become totally submissive or suppress her feelings. By doing both, she runs the risk of an outburst that may lead to a rift which, in turn, may become difficult to bridge,” Kanwar states.
The best thing is to avoid any expectations. Not read too much into the hand gestures or body language of the in-laws. Instead of a direct confrontation, it’s advisable for the daughter-in-law to speak with her husband. “Husbands have a big role to play here. The key isn’t to take sides but to go with what is right. If the wife feels that the mother-in-law is interfering too much, she must talk to the husband. Talking helps get rid of many problems. If, by any chance, the husband isn’t supportive, talking with friends can help as well,” Kanwar says.
Also, the daughter-in-laws should not have low esteem. The key is to make the visit fun-filled is to talk things out.
“Start with a positive. For example, if the mother-in-law suggests that gobhi be made, start by saying it’s a good vegetable but a menu has already been prepared for your visit. It’ll make the mother-in-law happy — that the daughter-in-law was looking forward to the visit. The word ‘I’ should be used often without being too aggressive. By doing this, each visit will become smoother with lesser confrontations,” Kanwar concludes.
